Something magical

It’s Sunday morning at 6am. My kiddos are about to celebrate the biggest decisions of their lives, and I can’t help but revel in where our lives are in this quiet before they wake up and our day starts.

Back up to last January 1. The start of a new year. One for me that didn’t begin with my kids because they were here and I was on a trip with the man who had told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with us. So when things ended less than a month later the night of my birthday party, I was considerably shaken. When I found out he had lied to my children I was furious. And then for several months I was lost. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t overly happy, but I didn’t know how to move forward with a life that was so different than the one I had expected. Than the one I had been promised.

But then on Memorial Day something happened. We found out that Braden had gotten a part that he’d worked really hard to get and I cried. I cried because he was so excited. I cried because he was so happy and I cried because he was so proud of himself. I was proud, too. His theater family was proud. It was a good day.

And it seems like from that day something magical has happened. This block that I couldn’t seem to get past quietly faded away and we began living our best lives. And I truly mean that. We’ve had an amazing summer of travel, both together and apart. One kid won a national championship. Another is rocking all 4 of his pre-AP classes in his first year in middle school. Then there was this little thing where they were both on the national news, and a little project that started in our living room has exploded into something that none of us could have ever seen coming. There is genuine excitement when one member of the family has a good day.

We took the vacation of their lifetimes, possibly mine. And there were moments when I kept thinking it just wouldn’t have been the same if anyone else had been there. We’ve got plans. Just the three of us. And we talk about them all the time.

And this morning my kiddos are going to confirm their infant baptisms in front of friends and family. Like I said, the most important decision they’ll each ever make. I’m so excited for them!

And then one will run off to dance and after brunch the other one will spend time in the kitchen making meals for his business before heading off to rehearsal. Yes, we are probably the busiest we have ever been. And probably about to get busier. But I wouldn’t change a single moment.

I’m pouring my whole self into my kids and into our family these days and it has honestly been the best summer in a while. Not to say there aren’t hard times. And I certainly still take time for myself every once in a while. But the subtle change of only living toward the future that is ours has somehow made all the difference in the world. We wake up each morning and thank God for being safe, and healthy, and happy. And I think anything that happens on top of that each day is just gravy. And these days the gravy is so good!

Buying their way to paradise

Something I started last summer was making my kids help out paying for stuff. I know that sounds harsh, but really it isn’t. When you’re a single parent (who gets no support from the other parent…) that has active kids, paying for stuff is something that frequently occupies the forefront of my brain. I work a full time salaried job, so it isn’t like I can pick up extra shifts for OT money. I work Verizon and do fundraisers as they are available, but all of those things take me away from my kids.

So last summer I tasked Braden with earning half of his money for Space Camp. And Braden’s Bites was born.

 

And it has been hugely successful for him. Last summer he paid for church camp and his deposit for Space Camp. This year he is poised to pay for his Space Camp deposit and his deposit for a trip to New York in two years. He also paid for part of culinary camp.

Now Amelia is on board as an employee of sorts. She wanted to go back to American Pageants nationals next summer. Guess what kiddo – you’ve got to earn it. Sleep over camp at Family Farm? That’s right. Your money. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader camp? You guessed it - her money. But they’ve both been lucky that we have some super strong supporters of Braden’s Bites that have supported them over the past 14 or so months and allowed them to be able to make choices to go places.

But the reason I bring all of this up today is because time and time again I’ve been told by camp counselors, instructors, etc that my kids are some of the most engaged kids each week at camp. I firmly believe it is because they now fully comprehend how hard it was to work to be at that camp. Telling a kid that a camp costs $250 doesn’t mean anything to them because they can’t grasp that amount. So what mom – it’s just money. Having them work to earn the $250 is an entirely different story. It also has allowed them to truly have some once in a lifetime experiences that I just wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise.

 

Same thing with their spending money. They each have a stash of money that has come from birthdays, Christmas, or in Braden’s case the tooth fairy (8 teeth this summer!) that they use to purchase things they want. When we are at a store or on vacation and they want something I very simply let them know that purchase is a “their money” not “mom’s money” purchase. More often than not the intended purchase goes back on the shelf. I’ve even started doing this with non-school clothes for Amelia. Again, it may sound harsh for an 8 year old, but I promise this girl has more clothes than she could ever want to wear. So if she really, really wants something, I let that be her decision (as long as it falls within the boundaries of what I’ll allow her to wear). But I see them taking care of those purchases and really using those things more than if I just purchase something for them.

 

So, next time your kids ask to do something or buy something maybe consider making them work for it. And I mean really work for it. If chores are an expectation at your house, don’t pay them $10 to take the trash out unless you normally would.  Maybe allow them to pick up some extra chores or visit with neighbors about doing yard work, etc. We’ve had several friends raising money for trips, etc and I will always try and support those kids because I fully believe so much that they get more out of it that way. And for any of you wondering, Braden and Amelia are in the kitchen working for every single Braden’s Bites meal service. 9 times out of 10 I’m only there in a supervisory role. So double bonus – they are learning responsibility, but also how to cook!

You want me to do what???

I’ve often joked about locking my kids up (Amelia) or giving them away (both) when they become teenagers. For various reasons, because let’s face it, teens are by far and large not the most pleasant age group. But seeing as how locking them up is probably frowned upon, and I’ve already put too much time and money into them to give them away, I guess I’m just going to have to keep them and take the teen years as they come.

Which also means you have to take the pre-teen years. The big child turned 11 in March, which means he is officially a pre-teen. Gulp. That also means the day I have been dreading since the pee stick popped positive is coming. That’s right… I’m going to have to have “the talk”. Now, honestly when he was born I thought I wouldn’t have to be involved with his because that should be a dad job. But here I am rocking the single mom life, so my job responsibilities include those of mom, dad, Santa, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy, so….

Back up to a year ago at Braden’s 10 year old visit. They asked me if I wanted him to get the Gardasil vaccine. Not gonna lie, it took my breath away. Why are they asking me to have my 10 year old vaccinated against STDs???? And then it dawned on me – some kids may need it at age 10. Then I think I probably cried a little on the inside. But we passed last year because I wasn’t ready to make the decision yet and because he had to have booster shots at 11 anyway so now Gardasil for the 10 year old. Fast forward to yesterday and they asked again. And again I had no answer. I immediately texted a mama friend in the healthcare profession that had a boy to ask her opinion. I asked the nurse her opinion and at the end of it all I just couldn’t say yes. Y’all – I’m by no means an anti-vaccination mom. I’m of the opinion the more the merrier, but there is something about this one that I just can’t get on board with yet. I think it has to do with the fact that in order to need it my child has to be sexually active and I just can’t reconcile that in my head with the sweet blonde headed 11 year old boy in front of me.

Braden is a super smart kid, but not advanced in the ways of the world. He is very innocent. He’s had a sweet girlfriend for 18 months and they’ve never so much as held hands. Which is perfect for 10 and 11 year olds. They see each other at theater events, laugh and giggle a lot, and that’s it! They don’t call or text each other or even see each other at school. It’s the perfect first “relationship” for his age. And he has a wonderful group of core guy friends. They are all good kids and they would rather talk about farts than girls. In my head that is how all 11 year old boys should be. But they aren’t. Some of them are doing and saying things that my child can't even fathom right now. And he's going to be in middle school next year with those kids. 

Which brings me to the next part. I talked to the doctor (outside of the exam room) a lot about what “the talk” needed to look like for Braden. My first question was did it have to be from me? Yes... I tried to get out of it. The doctor was very quick to say, yes – it needs to come from me. And I get it, I am Braden’s most trusted person in the world, so something this important should come from me. Ugh. But after that I’m literally clueless. I didn’t get that talk. I got the girl version. My body changed in very different ways than his will. So this whole thing is very foreign to me. Sigh. But he is going into middle school in a few short months and all of the boys and girls won’t be as innocent as him, so I’d like him to have the facts before he comes home and tells me where babies come from…

That being said, if you’ve done this before, I’d love any advice. I have gotten some suggestions from others, but none from the single mama group yet. But honestly at this point I’ll take any suggestions. What worked and didn’t work for you? Was it you that did it? Also, if you have opinions on Gardasil I’d also love to hear those. Feel free to PM me if you’d rather discuss in private since I know this is a touchy subject =) But short of giving him away to the highest bidder, I’m going to have to do this pretty soon. And I’d like to be as armed as humanly possible. And for fun take a listen to the anthem of my teen years. Does anyone from BJH remember when someone did this in the talent show one year??

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg

What If Millennials owned the Millennium Falcon…

Ok – let me just start by saying, this is probably going to make some of you mad. I would apologize, but #sorrynotsorry.  (for those of you offended by just that statement alone, scroll back in my feed and find the post from about a week back where I talk about being aware that people either love or hate me…)

I’d like to spend today talking about our jobs as parents. Not the whole “this is the best and most rewarding job I’ve ever had”, but the actual requirements and expectations of being a good parent. Not all of them – that would take a while. But our number 1 job as a parent (after providing love and for basic needs, which those really fold into this if you think about it) is… (drumroll)

Make our tiny humans into adults that will one day function in the real world

That’s it! Our job is to teach our kids how to be adults. Period. Anything extra is gravy! We all hope that our kids are awesome and win all the sports and get all the scholarships, but at the end of the day our job is to teach them things. I’ve covered some of this in blogs before, but we need to teach them things like how to be graceful winners and losers, rising above conflict and disappointment, how to schedule a doctor’s appointment, how to order food at a restaurant, how to listen, how to be respectful, how to manage money, how to manage time…. The list literally goes on and on. Think about all of the things you do on a daily basis with no input from anyone. Someone taught you that at some point. Either by their actions or their words. So we have a very large job ahead of us. Our job is to teach them how to cope with life when we are not there.

And after seeing the first of the so called millennials begin to hit the job market, let me reiterate what our job as parents is not… Our job is NOT to be our kid’s friend. Let me say that again slowly… Your job is not to be your child’s friend. If your child doesn’t curse you under their breath and tell you they hate you at least once in their childhood, you aren’t doing it right. If you don’t correct them when they are wrong and make them own up to their mistakes, they won’t just magically wake up one day and be ready for adulthood… And people that aren’t ready for adulthood live in your basement. FOREVER. Don’t be that parent that questions the adult when your kid gets in trouble. Ask the teachers in your kids’ lives. It happens all the time. Maybe you are even unintentionally doing it. But don’t be the type of parent that jumps to the conclusion that your child is never at fault. Let me assure you – your kid isn’t perfect. Neither are mine.

Over the weekend I was volunteering at a kids’ rehearsal to help keep the masses under control. Several kids had to be separated because they couldn’t be quiet when told repeatedly to be quiet. Guess whose kid was right in the middle of that group… (I’ll let y’all guess which one… lol) At that same event some of the kids lost some other privileges due to not following directions and treating things respectfully. The next day one of the mamas approached me (after already getting an accurate accounting of the events from another parent) and asked for “my side of the story.” I pointed out that her child’s version of the story wasn’t really what happened, but instead of being mad that her kid lied to her, she decided to stick up for her kid. And to make it even worse she had her kid write me the most passive aggressive apology note I have ever received. I’m all for making your kiddos apologize, but this was basically the kid saying “I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m sorry you punished me for it.”

And the entire time I kept thinking – this kid will never be a successful adult. Because guess what, those kids grow up to be the ones that can’t cope in college. The ones that think daily life is too stressful to manage because they’ve never experienced failure or consequences. Those kids are the ones who will be hired and fired by those of us raised in an era where not everyone got a trophy and if you fibbed to your mama about the severity of a situation, your punishment was 10x greater than it would have been before. And we don’t put up with people who don’t work hard and own their mistakes.  You are not doing your kids any favors by not making them own their actions. I’m not saying lock them in a closet for bending a rule, but sending them to bed without supper every once in a while is not the worst thing. Braden didn’t get to go to his best friend’s birthday party this year because he was grounded. It killed me, but it was the right thing to do.

Which brings me back to the millennials that are now hitting the job market. I don’t know how many of you have seem them enter your workplace, but it has been a little baffling to me. These kids first of all can’t be learning much in training because they can’t be bothered to put their phones down. I mean – what is so important that you can’t pay attention to the people taking time out of their days to teach you? And the sad thing is these kids don’t even get that it is disrespectful. I have no words… Then on the off chance that they actually do put their phones down, they can’t handle the “stress” of working. For real??!! What stress? The ones I’ve heard this from recently aren’t even out of training yet. How are you stressed out? You are literally watching someone else work. I kept thinking what is it going to look like when they actually have to work?

So to answer the question of what would have happened if millennials owned the Millennium Falcon? Well, I can assure you it would not have made the kessel run in 12 parsecs. And on the off chance that one of them actually had the gumption to try, they probably would have died in a fiery crash because they would have been too busy taking selfies and staring at their phones to avoid any sort of asteroids. Just saying. And just for funsies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAMyh8DjCrQ&feature=youtu.be

We, the last of the Gen Xers, have the ability to do things differently with our kids. Let them cry. Take away the trophy. And hold them accountable when they mess up. Let them mess up when you are there to catch them, but in order to catch them you have to let them fall! I had a babysitter steal $500 from me once. After I told her mother I was going to the police I distinctly remember her mother saying “I can’t believe you’d do this to her. She could lose her scholarship.” Now this particular girl had stolen from people all over town and it was a hard decision for all of us to press charges. But we thought it was better that she learn from her mistakes here, in a town where she was loved and surrounded by mercy and grace, than to get caught stealing from someone in college. I have often wondered what happened to her and if that moment in her life taught her to do things differently.

Raising kids is hard and there are lots of fine lines. But it is also the most important job that most of us will ever have. Until next time 😉

Happiness is a beautiful form of courage...

Happiness is a beautiful form or courage… This has been my daily reminder for the past 5 days. This has been my return to normalcy. This has been my mantra.

First of all, thank you for everyone who has reached out, prayed for us, or been a part of making us feel safe over the past week. I can truly say I have felt the prayers envelop our family. So please continue to include us in your prayers.

And while the threat will never be gone, with a little sleep and perspective I have retaken control of my life. I will always have to be diligent with our safety plan, but as often as I am able, I will not allow this man to steal any more of our life.

Sometimes the “ah-ha” moments come when you aren’t expecting them. I had several, several people reach out over the past week with offers of refuge should we ever need it. And let me say that knowing we have a safe haven is a wonderful feeling. See in Atlanta, he knew where all my friends lived. And in the beginning I would go to their homes to seek refuge on the nights I needed. But I would lie awake at night, panicked that we would find us and hurt me and Braden or hurt my friends. I found out several years later that the friends we stayed with also felt that same panic. I would never want to put anyone in jeopardy because of my life choices, so eventually Braden and I just started staying in hotels. Sometimes for a week or more at a time. Then things at home would calm down and we’d return. I’m so thankful that Braden isn’t old enough to remember any of that. But here, Brad doesn’t know where any of my friends live, so I truly have safe places to seek refuge when it is needed. I can’t say how comforting that is.

But as I began responding with thanks to all of the offers, I began to realize that I was right back in the place I was for the last two years of my marriage. And I don’t want to live a life controlled by fear. I don’t want to have to run and not be able to be in our home. I want to take back the life that is mine.

But when dealing with a person that has a mental illness, it isn’t always that simple. I have to balance my want to not allow the terror he inflicts on my life to control me with the need to keep my family safe. And when I say it is a thin line, I mean it. I am trying to get to the point where I have enough peace of mind and clarity to decipher what is a real threat from what is just more terroristic behavior. I have to do this without the help of a peace keeping system that is so broken it may be beyond repair.

And please don’t get me wrong. I very much appreciate law enforcement officers and all they do for our communities. I just think the rules and regulations that have been put in place to stop people from abusing the system, create an inability for the police to help stop actual abuse.

But I am, and will always be a strong, independent woman, and will find my own way through things. I will continue to work our safety plan and continue to add to it as necessary. Please continue to lift our family up in prayers, not just for safety, but for peace.

And now I will ask you to do something that may be difficult. Please pray for Brad. Pray for peace for him and for help. On Easter morning I sat in church and prayed for him for the first time in a long time. And it was all for selfish reasons. But I still prayed. I prayed for him because I want him to leave my family alone. I prayed for him because I don’t want to have to be afraid in my own home anymore. I prayed for him because I can’t imagine being the child of an abuser. I can’t imagine having to tell my children one day that their own father wants to hurt them. That their own father has hurt them in the past. I want him to get better, not to be in their lives, but because his blood runs through them. One day I hope to be able to pray for him to have a happy life that he really doesn’t deserve. I am not there yet, but maybe one day I will be.

Every morning the kids and I pray together and our prayer begins with “Dear God, Thank you for today, and thank you for letting us wake up safe, and healthy, and happy.” We are safe, we are healthy, and we are happy, so thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has kept us that way this week and will continue to pray over us in the days to come. Every day I am choosing to be courageous, I am choosing to be happy, and choosing to not let this man take another thing from me.

And to leave you on a happy note, take a listen to this and imagine the kiddos and I heading down Military toward the Royal, windows down, and belting the Newsies soundtrack. Because we do, as often as we get the chance 😉 Now IS the time to seize the day! 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMi8pjRg6YY&list=RDeCwazG_NdbI&index=2

And again, if you are in the central Arkansas area and are in an abusive relationship, please reach out to Safe Haven at 315-SAFE. I sat on their board for years and they truly can offer shelter in the storm. They also have outreach programs and legal advocacy. In Georgia the Partnership Against Domestic Violence is wonderful. Women I had never met showed up in court to fight for my kids and I because I made a phone call to ask for advice. Sometimes the scariest step is the first one, but I promise there are people there to prop you up.

When abuse is not the end...

I woke up at 1:38 am to the shrill ringing of my phone. I fumbled around in the dark, confused because my phone is set to Do Not Disturb at night. I picked up and saw the number and my blood ran cold. The world started spinning and for a moment I forgot how to move. To be honest I forgot how to breathe. Because in that moment it was 8 years ago and I was a terrified victim of domestic violence again.

Let me back up. About 6 weeks ago my ex-husband began harassing me. It turns out that he had only been quiet over the past year because he had been in jail three times in as many states for abusing other women. And he got out the day before Valentine’s day. What began as a request to see the kids quickly escalated to 50 unreturned messages, 6 phone calls, and 15 minutes of voicemails between the hours of 10pm and 6am one night. I blocked him the next morning. Upon receiving notice that he had been blocked, he almost immediately texted from another phone. Annoying? Yes. Did it make me lose sleep that one night? Yes. (PSA- apparently there is an option to allow phone calls through on do not disturb is they are back to back and I had this unknowingly selected. As of 2am today, it is not anymore).  But I wasn’t anything more than mildly concerned because child support had informed me that very week that he was in Michigan.

Fast forward to last Friday. Apparently he called the hardware store where my dad likes to hang out and left a message for my father that he was coming to Arkansas. Along with a phone number. After I digested just how crazy that action was I went into safety planning mode. I didn’t really think he was coming here. He’s made threats before about coming to Arkansas and never shown up. But I didn’t want to be that person that assumed for the best and allowed for the worst. I spent the next 2 days making plans with the school, BGC, and all other activities that my kiddos are involved with so that they knew who is and isn’t allowed to pick my kids up.

I haven’t slept much since then because even though I didn’t think it was likely that he would show up here, it just put me on edge. I think my average has been around 3.5 hours a night. All of the alarms in the world are fine until you actually feel afraid.

So last night, at 1:38am he called me from an Arkansas phone number. As I sit here now my blood runs cold again. Thinking that this man might be close to my children and I terrifies me. To the point where I can’t move or think or breathe. Once I recovered I jumped up to make sure everything was locked and that my kids were where I left them. I then turned on the tv and stared blankly because I knew sleep would be a long time coming. Around 4am my heart rate finally slowed down. And do you know why? I was finally able to come to terms with the fact that I might die that night. As a victim of domestic violence owning that feeling of knowing you might die is somehow comforting. I think because in that moment it is no longer scary. You realize that there is no amount of prep, safety planning, alarms, etc that will keep you safe. If an abuser wants to hurt you they will. So I succumbed to that fact and allowed myself a brief sleep.

Today has been filled with a lot of emotion. First because I’m still terrified, but also because I’m exhausted. I also had to tell my boss in case he comes to my job. I had to tell HR that had to inform the women at the front desk. To have to do that here was an awful feeling because this is a place that has always been free of that violence. No one here knows me as the woman whose marriage ended in a SWAT team. I’m just Lauren, the single mom to them. I am somehow right back in that humiliated place I was when I moved back here 8 years ago.

Another portion of the day has been spent speaking to the Benton Police Department. The young officer that took my complaint was very nice and very concerned and told me what he thought the charges would be. He also advised me to get an order of protection (because you know those stop bullets, right…??). He called back about 10 minutes ago saying that his sergeant said it was a civil matter because every once in a blue moon in these 10pm-6am text messages Brad mentions the kids. I was so disheartened. When all of this went down the first time in Georgia I begged the police to help me. I would call when Brad was holed up in our house with a gun and ask for an escort to get medicine for my kids or whatever it was we needed. I was told on multiple occasions that they couldn’t respond until he actually pointed the gun at me. The cops showed up at my house at midnight once night because Brad had gotten drunk and called them. That was the night he stood on the outside of my bedroom door with a loaded gun while the kids and I were on the other side. The cops told me there was nothing they could do unless Brad willingly surrendered the gun. The next day a mobile SWAT unit and 50 officers were at my house. And the police wonder why victims of domestic violence don’t ask for help? It’s because when they are finally brave enough to reach out the police are often times unable to do anything. But they are super willing to have you go someplace to get that bullet stopping piece of paper... 

So today I am left in a life that I have spent 8 years building with my kids where I don’t feel safe. In a home that we love that I’m not sure at this moment we can stay in, and a system that is so broken the last time Brad was arrested for assaulting a women he paid a $48 bail charge. $48 for a repeat offender of domestic violence against multiple women and at least one child. My heart hurts and one day when I’m not so tired and afraid I know I will beat this, too. I will because the one thing I will always be for my kiddos is there. I will be there for them and in order to do that I must survive.

If you are in Saline County and a victim of domestic violence, you can call Safe Haven at 315-SAFE 24 hours a day 365 days a year. If you are in Georgia, the Partnership Against Domestic Violence is a wonderful organization. 

I A'int Sayin' she's a gold digger...

So this happened earlier this week…

https://abc13.com/woman-wins-$150k-in-child-support-50-years-after-divorce/5216350/

And in case you didn’t read the article, a woman was awarded back child support plus interest nearly 50 years after the divorce. While some of you may think that the kid is all grown up now and that woman doesn’t need help supporting the kid, let me put a few things into perspective for you.

First of all, my ex doesn’t pay. I take that back… He sent $26 last year. Total for like the whole year. I used it to take my kids to 3^rd Realm during Spring Break and it didn’t even cover the one hour jump time fee, so… He has rarely ever paid and is currently over $17k behind in child support. So I have obviously adopted my budget to not include the money he should be paying me each month (which is laughable to begin with. Ok side note – when we got divorced he waited until a week after we got divorced to accept a job so the judge awarded him something called “imputed income”. Which basically means since he didn’t have a job they listed his income at the poverty level and set child support accordingly. It happens more than you would think and it is sickening. I was awarded $356 a month and at the time I had two children in daycare that cost me over $1700/month.) Ok, back to business.

And yes, I have an open case with child support enforcement. But the system is honestly not set up to benefit the person getting paid. Let me lay out this scenario. My ex husband does not pay child support. So child support sends a letter to the last known address asking him to confirm that he lives there. Now if he does the state has the ability to revoke his driver’s license, put him in jail, a whole host of super fun things. So let me tell you how often those letters get sent back confirming an address… To make matters more complicated, my ex husband doesn’t live in the state so our child support office is trying to work with another child support office to confirm that he even lives in that state before said letters can be sent. So in other words, I’m probably never going to see a dime because you can’t enforce what you can’t find. Unless he just happens to want to send them a check (see the $26 payment for all of 2018).

And his family is no help. I’ve reached out to them for help locating. Michigan child support has sent people to his sister’s house, where they deny knowing where he is. That part gets me a little ragey. I mean taking someone’s side in an argument is one thing. Protecting a dead beat dad from having to pay child support is quite another. As far as I am concerned if you choose to protect his whereabouts then you are taking sides against my kids. And that isn’t looked upon favorably in my house. Nope, nope, nope.

So the real effect of people not paying child support is that the burden lies solely on me. Think about how it would feel to go to work every day and know if you lost your job, you have lost the only income your family has to survive. It happened to me 18 months ago. I, along with 200 other people, got laid off with no severance in a phone call. It sent me into a tailspin that took months to recover from. It was one of the scariest times in my life. Luckily I had savings and was able to find a new position (that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE) relatively quickly, but it was at a 40% pay cut. 40% of our household salary was gone, so we learned to adjust.

What that meant for me is that I could no longer contribute monthly to my Roth IRA. I didn’t put anything into my 401k for an entire year. I no longer am able to contribute to my kids’ 529 college plans. Meaning that their dad’s willingness to not pay child support will follow my children well into adulthood. It also meant that I got a second job to pay for the things that my children love to do. I work 3-4 times a month slinging drinks at a local concert venue. And believe me, as much as I like working my real job for 9 hours to leave from there, not see my kids, and come home at midnight after standing on concrete making cocktails for another 7-8 hours, it’s not really what I set out to do in this life. Ubering drunk 20 somethings around on Saturday nights, also not my bag. But I do it because it isn’t the kids’ fault that their dad doesn’t pay. I will always do everything in my power to make sure not only that they don’t go without, but that their lives are never any worse for the wear because there is only one parent involved in raising them. Several of y’all have recently seen Amelia dance. She is a beautiful and award winning soloist who will not be doing a solo next year. She and I sat down last summer and had a long talk. I told her that I needed a year where I didn’t have to stress about how I was going to pay for dance. She was 7. No parent should ever have to have that conversation with their child, especially not a child that works as hard as she does. And the truth of the matter is that if her dad even paid for a few months, her dance for the year would be paid for. But sadly the $26 check he sent it just doesn’t do a lot of good.

And so money that I could be putting into retirement right now, or using to do home projects is all being spent on my kiddos. Not that I’m complaining. I love to watch them do what they do and I will continue to bust my butt to allow them to follow their dreams. But it means that for the next decade I don’t get to put as much into retirement as I’d like to. So yeah, that $150k judgement to that woman was well earned. For years she put her stuff on hold to be a good parent to her daughter. And I feel like if more men were made to pony up, then maybe the rest of us wouldn’t suffer as much. And I don’t want this to feel like a man-hater session. I know there are a lot of you out there that pay for your kids and do all of the things and make great dads! I also know a dad that was abused by the system for years and paid thousands of dollars in child support just so his ex-wife didn’t have to work. I’ve read the judgement – the judge used his child support like alimony. So I get that it goes both ways. But the negative light that is sometimes cast on single mothers about child support is unsettling. Guess what, if your kids are fed, clothed, and have a place to live, it’s not your business whether or not your baby mama wants to get her nails done. That isn’t “your” money. The state of Georgia takes all bills, including mortgage, utilities, etc and divides them by the total number of people in the house. So in our child support case the amount my children racked up in their tiny existences (ages 1 and 3) were 2/3 of my mortgage and all utilities. Not to mention I paid for all the healthcare, extracurriculars, groceries, etc. His child support, had he chosen to pay it, wouldn’t have even covered diapers. There are many women in the same boat. So if we want to go out and get our nails done, by God, that is our right. Not to mention that raising babies on your own is tough, and sometimes mama just needs a minute.

I guess what I’m trying to say is before you bash another single mama for the way she chooses to spend her child support, maybe take a second and think that you don’t know all the details. You don’t know that she’s leaving her children, working two jobs to make ends meet, etc. And just because I love the song, I’ll leave you with this… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY  Enjoy!

I Know Things Now

This year has been a weird year for me in terms of emotions when it comes to Braden. He’s in 5^th grade, which means he’ll go to middle school next year. I don’t feel at all prepared for that! Some days I think he’s ready to move out and get his own place. Other days I’m not certain he’ll be able to make it from math class to the lunch room by himself next year. And he turned 11 yesterday, which makes him an official pre-teen. I texted the following to my girlfriends yesterday evening “Day 1 assessment of having a pre-teen… they are sweet cherub faced little angels until Satan whispers into their ears because he has a direct line to their souls.” So that’s going well… All of their kids are younger so I needed them to know what they have to look forward to. Hehe (#sorryNotSorry)

And over the past 11 years I have focused so much on making Braden into a good human. You know, the kind that doesn’t grow up to demand gifts back from children during a break up (yes, that was Captain Jackass. No I did not return items he had gifted to my children because honestly who does that…??? That was a low blow even for him). The kind that doesn’t post passive aggressive memes about their exes on social media (you guessed it, Captain Jackass again. I imagine it wasn’t me he was referring to since I have taken pain staking steps to stay away from him. But who knows.  He’s a bit narcissistic and thinks everything is about him, so… He did contact me after the last blog via a video chat app. No clue what he said because I deleted the entire app shortly after I received the notification. I imagine he didn’t have nice things to say to me. But whoever is sending him the blog, keep it up. Knowing I am irritating him brings joy to my day. Is that a little juvenile of me? Probably. But look, Jesus and I just got on the same page about not hating him, so baby steps. And to reiterate my feelings on the subject, when you knowingly and willingly lie to my children thus causing them pain, you get what you deserve. Ok, now back to the originally scheduled programming…) The kind that grows up to be responsible, have a job, make a good living, gives back to the world he lives in. I want Braden to be kind and compassionate. I want him to be a good mate for someone someday. Obviously I want that for both of my kids, but Amelia’s birthday wasn’t yesterday, so it’s not her turn. ;)   

But I think sometimes we as parents get so focused on making sure our kids are equipped to be good humans, we forget to equip them to be adults. The kind that know how to make a bank deposit and stop a toilet from overflowing. Braden recently became a Boy Scout (what what!!), but before he did and got his super achiever badge in Cub Scouts. That means he earned every badge possible for a Webelos and Arrow of Light to earn in his last two years of scouts. One of those badges was a Mr. Fit It badge. It clued me in on just how far I had to go on teaching my kiddos the facts of life. So if you’re like me and may need a little reminder of things that your kids won’t just wake up and know how to do one day, I’ve listed some of the bigger ones below that stuck out to me.

1    1) Change a tire – I haven’t show Braden how to do this yet, but I’ll never forget the first time I changed a tire. It was the summer before I went to college. I was 18 and supposed to have lunch with my dad. I went out to the car and the tire was flat. I changed it and went to meet him. When I arrived late and told him why he asked how I had gotten there. I told him I’d put the donut on. He was astounded!! As in couldn’t believe I could change a tire. I informed him that there were instructions printed on the inside of the car and I just read them and changed the tire. To this day I’m not sure he believes me. But guys, at some point, teach your kid how to change a flat. Even in the age of AAA and cell phones one day they may end up down a dirt road with no service and nothing but their wits to go on. Don’t leave it to chance!

      2)  Y’all for the love of all  things please teach your children how to shut off an overflowing commode before the leave your house for good… I’m serious when I say this, I was on a trip with a house full of women once and one of them overflowed the toilet. I heard some commotion and came to check it out and water is pouring onto the bathroom floor and everyone is freaking out because there was “no man here to fix it.” Y’all!!! I waded through the toilet water in my bare feet to turn the water off. Seriously. I’m not even asking you to teach your kids how to use a plunger, but you should not make it into the real world without knowing how to stop toilet water from cascading onto your bathroom floor. While you’re at it watch a few YouTube videos and figure out how to do easy fixes to a toilet yourself. Say it with me – Youtube is my friend =)

      3) Change the battery in a smoke alarm. And not only that, to keep an extra pack of 9volt batteries around. Always! I taught Braden how to change the batteries earlier this year. He isn’t allowed to climb the ladder unsupervised, so it doesn’t really help me when the alarm starts chirping in the middle of the night, but one day his future roomates will thank me. And can I just reiterate to all the new mama’s out there – sleep training your children is so important! Mine have bedrooms on the opposite end of the house and their smoke alarm chirping wakes me up, but not them. Mine could probably sleep through a freight train. Just saying – sleep training infants is important for your sanity through the toddler years.

      5) I can’t even believe that I’m suggesting this, but teach your kiddos how to use the microwave. I’ve had kiddos over to my house that couldn’t. It perplexes me…A lot!

      6)  Change an air filter. Again, Braden is not allowed to be on the ladder by himself, but he now knows how to change and air filter. And how often (monthly for those of you who may still not have reached that level of maturity yet). My mother bought a house here a few years ago and I swear the air filter hadn’t been changed since the house was built. Don’t let this be the type of house your future grandchildren are raised in because you didn’t teach your kids the how and when =) Along the same vane, if you have a septic tank you might want to mention to your kids the whole RidX once a month thing. I had never heard of that until we had a septic tank once in Georgia. It could have ended very badly…

     7)  Back to the automobile, teach your kiddos how to check tire pressure and oil levels. Nothing earth shattering here, but car care is important for the long run of your vehicle. Also the whole  rotating tires every 5K miles thing. There are so many things that we take for granted that we just know, but someone at some point told us. Pass it on.

      8) Open your kid a savings account. Some banks have special accounts for kids under a certain age. Teach them to SAVE! But also, teach them to actually go into the bank and make a transaction. Mine both have savings accounts. I encourage them after birthdays and Christmas to deposit money into their savings accounts. Sometimes they need a little prodding as to the amount =) But they get excited knowing how much they have in their accounts. I make them go in, fill out the form, and do the transaction with the teller each time. I have also added a little incentive to make it worth their while. When each of them reaches $1000 in their accounts, I’ll add an extra $100 to it. To kids that’s like a million bucks!

      9) Laundry – Y’all I never did a single load of laundry until college. My college boyfriend found it supremely amusing that I got into Georgia Tech and did not know how to do laundry =) Show your kids. I promise if they are in school, they are big enough. At least to fold. Both of mine now do their own (time permitting).

      10) Other random house stuff – Teach them how to tighten a handle, check and flip a fuse, locate the fuse box, change a lightbulb. I know some of this sounds really crazy and common sense, especially the lightbulb thing, but y’all if you’ve never done it, you might not know. Plus some folks have a bigger bowl of common sense than others…

Feel free to add things you think the tiny humans should know before they are no longer tiny in the comments. I’m sure there are TONS I haven’t specifically thought of today. We are all in this together, creating a better world for our kiddos. So share all the things. And just because it is fun we are back this week with a new Broadway song (from Into the Woods – great show if you ever get the chance!!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsOv8OK2rE0

When it's ok to lose

So… Captain Jackass  saw the last blog (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2019/03/cant-stop-feeling.html) . Not that I was trying to hide it from him. I did in fact post it publicly to a blog on the internet. I am choosing to acknowledge that he saw it for two reasons. 1) The woman that pointed the blog out to him is a big ”women’s influencer” and “supporter of women”. I’ll just say this, walk the walk. Supporting women doesn’t mean being friendly to their face and then creating drama behind their backs. Let’s all just say “Go Girl Power” and truly support one another. Dealing with the male species is dramatic enough without intervention from womankind adding to the mix. The second reason I bring this up is because Captain Jackass has told me that I only write my blog to victimize myself and seek attention. While I easily see how my intent almost a decade ago when I decided to start writing a blog about my family could be misconstrued as an intent to seek attention... Oh wait, no I can’t. And if I don’t call myself a victim over being raped as a virgin at 16 (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2019/02/metoo.html)  or having my marriage ended in a SWAT team (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2014/09/why-i-stayed.html) , then I certainly don’t consider myself a victim when a self-absorbed jackass lies to me and my children. Pissed off, yes. Victim, no.  To reiterate, I write this blog for me. And I share this blog in hopes that maybe someone who is going through something similar doesn’t feel so alone. Period. End of the story.

And speaking of narcissistic adults who lack the maturity to carry out functioning relationships of any kind (did I mention he knowing lied to my kids…which is very much perhaps why his own offspring doesn’t speak to him… (lightbulb!!)), on to the topic of discussion for today.

As a parent we have 18 very short years to teach our kids all the things. To do all of the things with our kids. To make sure they know how to tie their shoes, do laundry, balance a checkbook (ok that one is a stretch), pay bills, yadda, yadda, yadda. And somewhere in there we want to teach them to be compassionate people that are a light to shine unto others, etc, etc. Parenting seems daunting at times. But today I’d like to address one topic: creating losers. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHcVTbyJqis  - Song choice chosen for the title, but also touches a little on last week’s blog…)

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a little competitive. And by a little I mean “full on, Type A, must win or die” competitive. I also LOVE seeing my kids win. In all the things. If there is a trophy for reading, by God let’s get it. Dance comp – yep. Play to be cast. We’re in. Let’s do all the things and do them well because winning feels good.

Until you realize that as a good parent, you need to root for your kids to lose every once in a while.

SAY WHAAAAATTTTT???

Yup! Y’all, this might be the biggest place I have experienced growth as a parent this year. Sometimes my kids need to lose. Yours, too! The entire world could stand to do a little more losing gracefully if you ask me, but I’m going to focus on the two little people who God has entrusted me to raise and y’all can have the rest of the world.

My kids are VERY different when it comes to their competitive nature. I have straight up watched Braden crest the last hill of a triathlon and see his bestie 50 feet in front of him. Braden (at the time) ran faster than this kid and could have beat him. Braden was too busy waving and enjoying the scenery to kick it into high gear. He didn’t care. Never bothered him. I do not understand not wanting to win. It’s not in my DNA. The only person Braden really cares to compete with is his little sister.  Amelia on the other hand is just like me. If she’s going to do it, she wants to be the best. I’ll never forget her first solo competition last year. She just knew she’d win first. And then she got second. And she was graceful on stage, but I could tell she was PISSED. Only because I’m her mom. Everyone else thought she was excited. But it was a good lesson for her. Things come easily to her and she is well liked by her teachers in school. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t work hard, but it has led her to believe in the past that she should win all the things. So that loss was a good opportunity for her to learn that she will not always be the best in the room. She spent the rest of that season knowing what it feels like coming out on top and also knowing what it feels like to get beat by your friends. 

Fast forward to November of last year. She stood on a stage, the top 3 for the title of Little Miss of America. The entire event is streaming live on the internet. And she came in second. Now there were other little girls that didn’t make it to that stage as a finalist who were inconsolable. My child stood up there and lost (lost as in didn’t come home with the title, I don’t want to insinuate I wasn’t and am not extremely proud of her accomplishment!)  in front of not only a room full of people, but people from across the pageant world watching on the internet. She lost with grace and backstage was the first to give Lauryn a big hug. When we got back to our room I could tell she was upset. I let her know that it was ok to be disappointed that she didn’t win. She sat on the couch and cried (for less than 2 minutes). I then told her that she needed to be so so proud of herself for getting top 2. 10 minutes later we were in the pool swimming with Lauryn. And I saw two little girls at the end of a long day. Not the new Little Miss of America and her runner up. I credit a lot of that to the conversations that she and I have often about doing her best and being proud of that. It also showed me that I had grown a lot because I was sitting right next to Lauryn’s mom talking about our girls. And old me wouldn’t have been able to do that. I would have been too busy sulking about my kid’s loss to enjoy the next moment.

That’s the thing is so often we imprint our expectations of what we want for our kids onto our kids. So that they want to win so badly to make us proud. Not for themselves, but because they think we might be disappointed if they don’t… Let that sink in. If you don’t believe me, ask your kid’s coach. They’ll tell you straight up that I’m right. So, before every competition Amelia and I have a talk. She knows that if she goes out and does her best, that’s all she can do. Her goal is to get the top bucket of scoring that is available to her for her skill level. If that means that she places first overall, great! We celebrate. If that means she gets a Diamond score, but still places out of the top 10, then she knows I will still be excited for her. Neither she nor I can help how the judges rank her on any given day. What she can control is the amount of work she puts in beforehand and what she does on that stage. After that on any given day it is anyone’s ballgame.

That isn’t to say that Amelia likes losing. My kid still cares about losing. But she does it in a way that is respectful and graceful. She will be the first one out of the gate to hug your neck if you come out on top that day. If she’s disappointed, you won’t see it on a stage. There are no fits or Dance Moms like outbursts with anyone storming off stage. And at the end of the day, she will be a better human for it.

So I’ve had to alter how I approach every competition, be it in dance, a pageant, or whatever. She knows that no matter what as long as she works hard and tries her hardest, that I will be proud of her. She knows that not being first isn’t the end of the world. In 30 years when my daughter’s daughter asks her about which dance competitions she won and lost, she won’t be able to tell her. I can say this with a fair amount of certainty because Amelia and I had a similar conversation last week. What she will remember is growing up on a team full of her best friends and that dance was one of her favorite places to be with her favorite people. And that after every single awards ceremony her mom picked her up, spun her around, and told her she was proud of what she did on the stage. Every. Single. Time.

But even more importantly than that, kids that don’t learn to lose with grace, won’t grow up to be adults that can handle the real world. Because guess what, the real world is not full of trophies for everyone and people that understand crying over spilled milk. The real world is about doing your best and sometimes still not coming out on top. It is what you do with those moments that show your character. Life is honestly one continuous competition season. You work hard, do your best, and sometimes you end up on top. Sometimes you don’t and you don’t agree with the people judging you. And sometimes there are actually folks in this world better than you. We have to teach our children how to handle that because you don’t just magically wake up one day and flip the grown up switch. It is the little things we do, like teaching our kids to be ok if their name isn’t called last, that inch them toward being functioning and respectful adults each and every day. So as hard as it is, I’ve had to learn to embrace losing just as much as I embrace winning. And don’t think that Amelia is perfect at this just yet. There are still times on stage that I can see that terse smile underneath the stage smile when she isn’t on top. As long as I’m the only one to see it, then she and I are still headed in the right direction =)  

Can't Stop the Feeling...

Before I begin, Newsies in Argenta was great! I continue to be impressed by the dedication and level of talent in the theaters around us. I believe most of the shows are sold out, but if you’re in the area do yourself a favor and try to see it! Also eat at Capeo beforehand and order the tomatillo martini and the saffron dessert. You’re welcome!

Second, this week I have a song, but not from Broadway. This song is in honor of Miss Amelia. She loves her some JT, even more after the concert in January. I will always love this song because before I came to work at Riggs I walked my kids to school every morning. When this song came out we’d listen to it on our walk. We’d often gather other children on our walk so by the time we got to the crosswalk I was like the Pied Piper and this song was our anthem. So, enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru0K8uYEZWw

So to move into what I’m actually want to talk about this week requires me to address why all of this started. I have always found writing cathartic. I am able to say things on paper that I am never able to articulate with my spoken voice. It helps me process things, so I started writing. Way back before I got married I wrote a funny piece about how my past relationships were like baseball players. I really wish I could find it now because it was spot on! Anyway, I published it because I thought it was funny. I got a great response. I wrote off and on for years after that. Fast forward to tiny human #2 emergence into the world and I wanted to document what it was like to be a parent of 2 kids. Mostly because at the time it all felt so foreign and different than only having 1 kid. So I started this blog. Then life exploded and the blog was put on hold. During that time I was in therapy trying to deal with the whole “a swat team ended my marriage” situation and my therapist had me write a letter to my (now ex) husband and to my father (we were going through some stuff). When he read the one to my dad my therapist legit looked at me and said “you can’t move back to Arkansas because clearly there are some things we need to discuss.” He was joking of course and obviously I moved back, but writing down all of the things I needed to say to my father helped me process, even though I never said them to him.

As life allowed over the next several years I wrote. I talked about my kiddos and had I think 4 people that followed the blog. Then as I became more comfortable being a survivor of domestic violence I began to use this blog and social media as a platform to share my story. And every single time I posted that blog I got feedback from women who had also been in abusive relationships I could feel their pain and relief at knowing that they finally could share their pain. And at that moment I realized I wasn’t writing just for me anymore. So I continued to write. Not all of the topics were heavy. Some were just talking through my life, my decisions, my relationships, just my life. Some were bombshell kind of stories like the #metoo piece I wrote last month. Which coincidentally a national women’s group that I love and respect reached out to me earlier this week and asked to highlight my story on their social media. I was scared to put that story out there to others, but also very humbled at the thought that my story could bring comfort to even more women.

I am saying all of this because what I am about to write is not an easy admission for me. It shows a side of me I wish didn’t exist, but I am hoping perhaps in writing about it that I begin to own the feelings and move on… So here goes.

Recently someone hurt me. Not in the “marriage ends in a SWAT team kind of way”, but the “lied to you and hurt your heart” kind of way.  They hurt my family. Turns out they did it intentionally. Someone lied to my kids and I for their own pleasure. And I am angry about it. I would say irrationally angry, but as mama bear I don’t think being angry because someone intentionally messed with my family is all that irrational. The angry part I get, but I honestly feel like I hate this person. And that is something I am not sure I have ever experienced before.

And what is worse is I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried praying about it. Like a lot. It’s the first thing I pray in the mornings. Dear Lord – please give me the strength to not have hate in my heart today. And at night. Dear Lord – please make tomorrow the day that hate is not in my heart. And it is a very earnest prayer. Because I don’t like feeling like this.

I’ve tried talking it out. A friend who I consider to be probably the most level headed of my friends pointed out that they  say that the feelings of love and hate come from the same place. And that resonated with me Because it is true. It was like the moment the realization of the hurt that this person had intentionally caused my children came down on me, all the love in my heart went away. And there was a lot there. So it makes sense that it would be replaced by just as intense level of hatred.

I think part of why I feel this way is because there is no remorse. This person obviously thinks that lying to my children and screwing with my family is an ok thing to do, which just makes me angry all over again. Like I am sitting here typing that sentence and my ears got hot. I just don’t understand how someone that can classify themselves as a member of the human race would set out to intentionally hurt anyway, let alone children. But I had lunch with another friend today who said something so simple that it seems too easy.

“Just forgive him.” I opened my mouth for a rebuttal and she shook her head and said “I know, forgive him anyway.” Wow. Like all of the emotions are coming out in the form of leaking from my eyeballs right now. Three simple words. Just forgive him. I want to so much. Man I want to. I think there is a tiny part of me that is afraid that if I stop hating him it might be replaced by the pain I’ve yet to feel over the situation. There is a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to forgive him because he took things from me that I will never get back.

But hating someone doesn’t go away like pain does. They say time heals all wounds, but not hate. I think hate is something you have to actively decide not to do. So time will never heal that wound. I truly hope that I can forgive him for me. Lord knows he doesn’t deserve it, but I do. I deserve to have peace surrounding that particular part of my life and I don’t have it now.

I hope that maybe one of you reading this has the magical answer. That I can go to bed tonight and know with certainty that I’ll wake up tomorrow and this tiny part of my heart won’t be black anymore.

So to wrap up, it’s been a mixed bag kind of week. Super great things at work, hating someone and admitting it to the world in hopes that I will no longer feel hate. #nobodydied is all I can say…

Seize the Day

I had so much fun tying my blog to show tunes last week that I thought I’d do it again this week. So, in honor of the opening week of Newsies in Argenta here you go: https://youtu.be/sMi8pjRg6YY. Break legs to all of our friends. I’m so excited!!! As a side note, the Dance Machine (my competitive team growing up) did a production number to Newsies growing up and I honestly haven’t thought about it much since then. Until September when we saw it at the Royal and it has quickly climbed to my second favorite show after Wicked (by a very small margin). Side note number two… anyone that says musicals are not like real life because “when do real people randomly break out into song during the course of their day” clearly have never run into our family. At least once a day one of us randomly breaks out into song during the course of our normal affairs. Let’s be honest – it’s normally me and the children follow suit if they’re around. I do giggle though when we turn on the Wicked soundtrack. Everyone has their favorites and we will straight up be driving down the road belting out Broadway show tunes at the top of our lungs. And sometimes I might break out into a British accent when delivering instructions around the house (or at work). Sometimes it might be around their friends. But why not… life is short!

But again I digress. I honestly sidelined the blog I planned to write today until next time because I really wanted to squeeze in that shout-out to our Newsies crew, but this one is no less relatable to this stage in life.

If I had a dollar for every time someone commented on how busy I am or asked when I sleep I’d be able to, well I don’t know. But I’d be able to do something. The point is, people think I’m busy. My boss calls me “High Octane” and tells folks that I “Operate at a different level.” The funny thing is, this is my normal, so it doesn’t feel out of the ordinary for me, or our family.

Do we go a lot? Yes. But I like going. I think I always have. For real, look in my high school yearbook and my activities are 4 or 5 lines long. I was president of every club, did a few sports, well, you get the picture. When someone usually asks how I do it all my reply is “I don’t sleep.” Which isn’t a super big stretch, but not entirely the whole truth =)

I really do seem to require less sleep for long periods of time than other people I know. When I’m in a relationship or actively dating I typically average 5-6 hours of sleep a night. That’s because that time from 9-midnight is usually when I’m able to fit in my personal life. Wake up at 6am, work by 7am, tiny human carting around 430-8pm, personal time 9-??? And I typically carry that on for 3-4 weeks before I need a reboot. I take a weekend and do nothing. We veg. It’s glorious! But by Sunday around 2pm I’m bored and ready to go again. I don’t relax very well =)

But there is still a lot that happens during that 430-midnight time to accomplish what needs to be done at our house, and I’m willing to share a few of our secrets.

1)     Hire help!!!

For real! I used to think it felt uppity to hire someone to do something that I’m capable of doing. Turns out that’s actually a great form of self care. I hate yard work. Like despise it because like laundry, it seems futile. So, when we first moved here from Georgia I hired a yard guy. He makes sure my yard looks pretty and instead of spending money on manicures I spend it on the satisfaction of knowing I don’t have to mow my own yard. One less thing I have to squeeze in.  He is also a fireman and I might have posted up in a lawn chair with a beer the first time he came. I make no apologies =) Last year I also hired someone to come clean the house once a month. It helps with that stuff I just don’t have time or energy to get to and now I don’t have to feel guilty about it!

2)     Multitask

a.      When I get ready for bed each night I try to think about what we have going on the next day and when I might be able to accomplish something on the to do list. So when Braden is at dance class I might be sewing talent show costumes or rhinestoning costumes or putting together a slideshow. Very rarely do I ever just sit and watch tv. I’m normally trying to get something done while I’m watching the newest episode of my favorite show. For really busy weeks I will run errands on my lunch hour. I use online grocery pick up when I need to.

3)     Charge your kids rent…

a.      This one might ruffle a few feathers… Your children are not helpless. Ok, some of the really tiny humans are, but my kiddos were helping empty the dishwasher as early as 3-4 years old. Now, they do that plus their own laundry, emptying trash, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, yardwork, etc. They have assigned chores that are always there, but at times when life is running in the super fast lane they are charged to jump in and help. And guess what, that’s ok! You are not only teaching them to be respectful, you are also freeing up valuable time. I’ve even started charging mine when I find dirty clothes left on the bathroom floor. They’ll learn real quick, or I’ll have a new mani/pedi fund started. Either way it’s a win for me.

4)     Unapologetically do things for you

a.      This is important. At least for me because this gives me the umpf on hard days to get to bedtime. In a world where we are in constant motion and most of us double as uber drivers for our kids in the evenings, it is so important to seek happiness outside of that. Something that is just for you. And if you’re in a relationship, something just for “us”. I will sacrifice sleep in order to take a long bath some days. And date night is a must in my house. I’ve found that when I become complacent about making time just for us, it tends to fall apart. But the same goes for doing things just for me. I am a much better mom/friend/employee/family member, etc when I don’t feel like all I do is stuff for other people.

5)     Make time to give back

a.      I know this also sounds crazy. You are reading this to see my tricks of the trade for making time for it all, and I’m telling you to add more stuff. Yes and No. But mainly yes. This is along the same vane as #4 above. Doing things for others will recharge your soul. I’m serious. Make a point once a month to put it on your schedule to do something for someone else. Maybe it is a non-profit that shares one of your passions. Maybe you make a meal for a friend having a tough time. Plus you can get your family involved in said giving back event, so that counts as family time (now we’re multitasking!). In a world that becomes more selfish by the day, teaching our kids that they are not the center of it is never a bad thing.

6)     Schedule/Post Its/Lists

a.      I have just in the past 6 months started truly embracing the digital schedule. I’ve always been a paper calendar kind of girl. But when all the kids go all the places and do all the things, paper just didn’t cut it anymore. I still have my paper calendar to keep up with birthdays. (Side note –I do that because I can look each week to see who has a birthday. I am a big believer in birthday cards and personal texts on your birthday. So if you don’t currently get a bday card from me and would like to (please note I’m not tooting my horn like how great would it be to get a birthday card from MEEEEEE, more like a birthday card from anyone is exciting to get because any mail that isn’t a bill is exciting as an adult, and I just happen to be the one offering to send said card) feel free to message me your birthday and address and I’ll add you to my list).

But my calendar is my lifeline when stuff hits the fan. This week is kind of crazy because I might have asked to chair Braden’s last cub scout banquet the same day as a dance comp so now I’m trying to make 150 servings of baked chicken alfredo and spray tan a kid at the same night and make sure all the food is bought and the decorations are ready (thanks Sharon!!) and the shoes make it to the dance bag. So it’s a little busy. Oh yeah, and I need an oil change. Like bad. My car keeps yelling at me. But instead of panicking, I just keep adding stuff to my schedule. Today at lunch, Jiffy Lube. Friday at lunch, Sams. I have a list on my nightstand that outlines all the little stuff I need to accomplish this week and what day I think they need to be accomplished on. Because on weeks like this if I don’t have a plan, I tend to spiral. When you spiral at 90 miles an hour bad things happen. So have a plan and work your plan.

7)     #NobodyDied

a.      And finally, give yourself a break. Unless you’re in the medical field, typically no one will die if you don’t accomplish all the things you get out to accomplish for a given day. Remember that list on my nightstand. There are things on that list unchecked from Wednesday. Of last week… And guess one. No one loves me less, nobody died. The world continues to spin on its axis. Some days I just can’t anymore. That’s ok. Some days one of my kids just wants to snuggle and tell ridiculous jokes for an hour. Great. Do it. I promise, it will all be there tomorrow. The laundry, the dishes, the talent show costumes. I’ve lived 38 years now and very rarely has anyone broken into my house and done all the things I left undone from the day before.

8)     Do what you say             

a.      The last thing I’ll share is to me one of the most important. If you say you’ll do something, Do It. Commitments are not something taken lightly at my house so if I tell you I’ll do something, I do it. Sometimes that does come at the expense of sleep  and rest, but I just don’t ever want to be one of those people that is considered unreliable. So when it gets hard, that’s what I fall back on. I made a commitment that I’m going to see through. After all, what am I teaching my kids if I don’t keep my word to others. And to myself honestly. This has also taught me the beauty of the word no. Because sometimes I do overextend myself, but I won’t quit. So No has become a much needed and loved word in my vocabulary.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If you are unlike me and need something to do this weekend I would highly recommend checking out Newsies at the Argenta theater. They open this weekend and the cast is fabulously talented! And be sure to check back next time. I’ll be discussing anger. Yep – it’s going to get uncomfortable (at least for me!).

What is this Feeling?

Ok, before we get started, if that title didn’t make you sing just a little bit of my favorite song from Wicked, I’m going to need you to back up and try again. And for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dk3H2yvsH-U, You’re welcome! And if you listen to it and don’t want to quit your job and join a traveling Broadway show, I’m not sure we can be friends anymore… 😉

Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, have you noticed this is the month of love? I’ve never been all in on the idea that forces me to celebrate my love for someone on a given day or month. I’m more of a “spoil you all the time” kind of gal. But I do kind of love the 90% Valentine’s day candy at Kroger right now…

I digress. Since love has been thrown in our faces all month long, it has caused me to revisit a recent conversation I had with someone of the male persuasion. I said something to the effect of “When I’m in a relationship I make a choice every day to get up and love that person.” His response “If you have to choose to love someone, then it’s not worth it.”  WHHAATTTT??? Pardon me while I pick my jaw up off the ground… Do adults really think this way? And then as I began to think more and more about this two sentence exchange I began to wonder… Is this what is wrong with our world? Why the divorce rates are steadily climbing? Why a husband feels ok about abandoning his wife and kids for no good reason? Or why a wife checks out once the kids are grown?

Ok, let’s back up. First of all, that feeling you feel? You know the one. The one that is all tingly and warm and exciting? The one you get when you first start dating? Or first fall in love? The one that was a constant state of euphoria when you were a teenager? That’s not love. That is a chemical reaction from your body called adrenaline. When you get all dopey your body releases cortisol and adrenaline and makes you feel all special inside. That particular effect tends to wear off somewhere between months 12-18. So then you’re left with what??? A choice…

The bible says “Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13 vs 4-8)

Do I fail every person I love every day? You betcha. Do they fail me? Yup! But that’s the cool thing about this choice situation. You see, there are exactly two people on the face of the planet that I will love unconditionally until the day I die. Two people that I will never have to choose to love. The two people that my body made. They get a free pass. Everyone else, family, friend, signification other, public enemy #1, that’s right. I have to make a choice to get up and love you. Every. Single. Day.

Because let’s pretend you do all the cool stuff that 1^st Corinthians says every day. You are patient and kind and not proud. Ok. But what if when you do those things you wear a t-shirt that is a size too small and your belly pokes out of the bottom and I think it is ridiculous and annoying? Or what if you go through your days not being easily angered, but every time I try to tell you a story your face is so far into your phone checking your social media, that I might as well not be in the room. Or, what if you in fact do rejoice in the truth, but you intentionally forget my birthday every year. For 20 years because you know it irritates me. (STUART!!) And I am well aware of the fact that I have stuff that I’m sure irritates people. I’m quirky and moody, but I’m constantly pushing myself to do better. (Note this is not an open invitation to list all of the things you think are wrong with me in the comments… lol)

Does that mean I give up and walk away? That I don’t love you anymore? Not for me. Does it mean that you fail me and do super annoying things that I don’t like? Yep. Therein lies the choice.

I clearly do not make all the right choices when it comes to who I love and who I allow in my life. I’m not sure any of us do. But one thing I’ve learned as an adult is that I have to be more intentional about who I allow in my life. Who I love. Who I allow to love me. Who I allow to love my kids.

While I’m still a work in progress, there are things that I do look at when I’m trying to determine if the choice is still the right one for me to wake up each day and love someone. Be it a friend, family, or signification other.

1)   Does this person help me to be my best self?

What does that mean? I want people in my life that are good people. That have good morals. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal. I want Christians so that when the tough stuff comes around I can ask them for advice and prayers.

2)     Does this person push me?

While I think it is important to have people in your life that have interests that are similar to yours, I think it is extremely important to be around people who push you out of your comfort zone. Until 5 years ago I had never stepped foot inside a tent or a canoe. Now we own 2 tents and 3 kayaks. I would have never know that I love to camp if I had just hung out with people who like the same things as me.

        3) Are we moving in the same direction?

I’m not saying that every person in your life has to want a house, 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a dog if that’s what you want. But your best people, the people that you love, should want the same things as you. I’m not saying that just because a person doesn’t have kids and you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t be besties (heeey Daniela!). I’m saying that there has to be commonality in goals. If your bestie stays up partying every night because they are wild and free and you go to be at 830 because you work all day, then maybe it is time to examine that choice. Maybe not. Choices abound. 

Making a choice to love someone is hard. All the days it is hard. I’ve lost people because at the time they were no longer worth the fight. I’m talking even family because they don’t meet one of the three criteria above. It doesn’t mean I hate them, it just means I don’t choose to love them anymore. I’ve had friends that I have chosen to not have in my life anymore because at the time maybe we weren’t helping each other to be our best selves. But when you make that choice for the right reasons, man does it ever pay off? The people in my life are empowering and push me to do things I’m not always sure are possible. That’s what happens when you wake up and choose to love people.

What I just can’t get past, is are there really adults that think that we wake up every day thinking that love is a warm and fuzzy feeling? That if someone does something that annoys you you shouldn’t love them? I pity those people, as they will never get to experience the deep, rich kind of love that comes with choosing to look past the faults and annoying things about a person and loving them for the good they do. Loving them for who they are to the world and who they are to you. Maybe if we all chose to do that a little more often, this world would be a better place. I encourage you today to truly examine those most special relationships in your life. Are you loving someone by choice are by cortisol?

And since we started with show tunes, let’s end with a show tune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN8-N-cqkUo