I woke up at 1:38 am to the shrill ringing of my phone. I
fumbled around in the dark, confused because my phone is set to Do Not Disturb
at night. I picked up and saw the number and my blood ran cold. The world
started spinning and for a moment I forgot how to move. To be honest I forgot
how to breathe. Because in that moment it was 8 years ago and I was a terrified
victim of domestic violence again.
Let me back up. About 6 weeks ago my ex-husband began harassing
me. It turns out that he had only been quiet over the past year because he had
been in jail three times in as many states for abusing other women. And he got
out the day before Valentine’s day. What began as a request to see the kids
quickly escalated to 50 unreturned messages, 6 phone calls, and 15 minutes of
voicemails between the hours of 10pm and 6am one night. I blocked him the next
morning. Upon receiving notice that he had been blocked, he almost immediately
texted from another phone. Annoying? Yes. Did it make me lose sleep that one
night? Yes. (PSA- apparently there is an option to allow phone calls through on
do not disturb is they are back to back and I had this unknowingly selected. As
of 2am today, it is not anymore). But I
wasn’t anything more than mildly concerned because child support had informed
me that very week that he was in Michigan.
Fast forward to last Friday. Apparently he called the
hardware store where my dad likes to hang out and left a message for my father
that he was coming to Arkansas. Along with a phone number. After I digested
just how crazy that action was I went into safety planning mode. I didn’t
really think he was coming here. He’s made threats before about coming to
Arkansas and never shown up. But I didn’t want to be that person that assumed
for the best and allowed for the worst. I spent the next 2 days making plans
with the school, BGC, and all other activities that my kiddos are involved with
so that they knew who is and isn’t allowed to pick my kids up.
I haven’t slept much since then because even though I didn’t
think it was likely that he would show up here, it just put me on edge. I think
my average has been around 3.5 hours a night. All of the alarms in the world
are fine until you actually feel afraid.
So last night, at 1:38am he called me from an Arkansas phone
number. As I sit here now my blood runs cold again. Thinking that this man
might be close to my children and I terrifies me. To the point where I can’t
move or think or breathe. Once I recovered I jumped up to make sure everything
was locked and that my kids were where I left them. I then turned on the tv and
stared blankly because I knew sleep would be a long time coming. Around 4am my
heart rate finally slowed down. And do you know why? I was finally able to come
to terms with the fact that I might die that night. As a victim of domestic
violence owning that feeling of knowing you might die is somehow comforting. I
think because in that moment it is no longer scary. You realize that there is
no amount of prep, safety planning, alarms, etc that will keep you safe. If an abuser
wants to hurt you they will. So I succumbed to that fact and allowed myself a
brief sleep.
Today has been filled with a lot of emotion. First because I’m
still terrified, but also because I’m exhausted. I also had to tell my boss in
case he comes to my job. I had to tell HR that had to inform the women at the
front desk. To have to do that here was an awful feeling because this is a
place that has always been free of that violence. No one here knows me as the
woman whose marriage ended in a SWAT team. I’m just Lauren, the single mom to
them. I am somehow right back in that humiliated place I was when I moved back
here 8 years ago.
Another portion of the day has been spent speaking to the
Benton Police Department. The young officer that took my complaint was very
nice and very concerned and told me what he thought the charges would be. He
also advised me to get an order of protection (because you know those stop
bullets, right…??). He called back about 10 minutes ago saying that his sergeant
said it was a civil matter because every once in a blue moon in these 10pm-6am
text messages Brad mentions the kids. I was so disheartened. When all of this
went down the first time in Georgia I begged the police to help me. I would
call when Brad was holed up in our house with a gun and ask for an escort to
get medicine for my kids or whatever it was we needed. I was told on multiple occasions
that they couldn’t respond until he actually pointed the gun at me. The cops
showed up at my house at midnight once night because Brad had gotten drunk and
called them. That was the night he stood on the outside of my bedroom door with
a loaded gun while the kids and I were on the other side. The cops told me there was
nothing they could do unless Brad willingly surrendered the gun. The next day a
mobile SWAT unit and 50 officers were at my house. And the police wonder why
victims of domestic violence don’t ask for help? It’s because when they are finally
brave enough to reach out the police are often times unable to do anything. But they are super willing to have you go someplace to get that bullet stopping piece of paper...
So today I am left in a life that I have spent 8 years
building with my kids where I don’t feel safe. In a home that we love that I’m
not sure at this moment we can stay in, and a system that is so broken the last
time Brad was arrested for assaulting a women he paid a $48 bail charge. $48
for a repeat offender of domestic violence against multiple women and at least
one child. My heart hurts and one day when I’m not so tired and afraid I know I
will beat this, too. I will because the one thing I will always be for my
kiddos is there. I will be there for them and in order to do that I must
survive.
If you are in Saline County and a victim of domestic violence, you can call Safe Haven at 315-SAFE 24 hours a day 365 days a year. If you are in Georgia, the Partnership Against Domestic Violence is a wonderful organization.
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