When it's ok to lose

So… Captain Jackass  saw the last blog (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2019/03/cant-stop-feeling.html) . Not that I was trying to hide it from him. I did in fact post it publicly to a blog on the internet. I am choosing to acknowledge that he saw it for two reasons. 1) The woman that pointed the blog out to him is a big ”women’s influencer” and “supporter of women”. I’ll just say this, walk the walk. Supporting women doesn’t mean being friendly to their face and then creating drama behind their backs. Let’s all just say “Go Girl Power” and truly support one another. Dealing with the male species is dramatic enough without intervention from womankind adding to the mix. The second reason I bring this up is because Captain Jackass has told me that I only write my blog to victimize myself and seek attention. While I easily see how my intent almost a decade ago when I decided to start writing a blog about my family could be misconstrued as an intent to seek attention... Oh wait, no I can’t. And if I don’t call myself a victim over being raped as a virgin at 16 (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2019/02/metoo.html)  or having my marriage ended in a SWAT team (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2014/09/why-i-stayed.html) , then I certainly don’t consider myself a victim when a self-absorbed jackass lies to me and my children. Pissed off, yes. Victim, no.  To reiterate, I write this blog for me. And I share this blog in hopes that maybe someone who is going through something similar doesn’t feel so alone. Period. End of the story.

And speaking of narcissistic adults who lack the maturity to carry out functioning relationships of any kind (did I mention he knowing lied to my kids…which is very much perhaps why his own offspring doesn’t speak to him… (lightbulb!!)), on to the topic of discussion for today.

As a parent we have 18 very short years to teach our kids all the things. To do all of the things with our kids. To make sure they know how to tie their shoes, do laundry, balance a checkbook (ok that one is a stretch), pay bills, yadda, yadda, yadda. And somewhere in there we want to teach them to be compassionate people that are a light to shine unto others, etc, etc. Parenting seems daunting at times. But today I’d like to address one topic: creating losers. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHcVTbyJqis  - Song choice chosen for the title, but also touches a little on last week’s blog…)

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a little competitive. And by a little I mean “full on, Type A, must win or die” competitive. I also LOVE seeing my kids win. In all the things. If there is a trophy for reading, by God let’s get it. Dance comp – yep. Play to be cast. We’re in. Let’s do all the things and do them well because winning feels good.

Until you realize that as a good parent, you need to root for your kids to lose every once in a while.

SAY WHAAAAATTTTT???

Yup! Y’all, this might be the biggest place I have experienced growth as a parent this year. Sometimes my kids need to lose. Yours, too! The entire world could stand to do a little more losing gracefully if you ask me, but I’m going to focus on the two little people who God has entrusted me to raise and y’all can have the rest of the world.

My kids are VERY different when it comes to their competitive nature. I have straight up watched Braden crest the last hill of a triathlon and see his bestie 50 feet in front of him. Braden (at the time) ran faster than this kid and could have beat him. Braden was too busy waving and enjoying the scenery to kick it into high gear. He didn’t care. Never bothered him. I do not understand not wanting to win. It’s not in my DNA. The only person Braden really cares to compete with is his little sister.  Amelia on the other hand is just like me. If she’s going to do it, she wants to be the best. I’ll never forget her first solo competition last year. She just knew she’d win first. And then she got second. And she was graceful on stage, but I could tell she was PISSED. Only because I’m her mom. Everyone else thought she was excited. But it was a good lesson for her. Things come easily to her and she is well liked by her teachers in school. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t work hard, but it has led her to believe in the past that she should win all the things. So that loss was a good opportunity for her to learn that she will not always be the best in the room. She spent the rest of that season knowing what it feels like coming out on top and also knowing what it feels like to get beat by your friends. 

Fast forward to November of last year. She stood on a stage, the top 3 for the title of Little Miss of America. The entire event is streaming live on the internet. And she came in second. Now there were other little girls that didn’t make it to that stage as a finalist who were inconsolable. My child stood up there and lost (lost as in didn’t come home with the title, I don’t want to insinuate I wasn’t and am not extremely proud of her accomplishment!)  in front of not only a room full of people, but people from across the pageant world watching on the internet. She lost with grace and backstage was the first to give Lauryn a big hug. When we got back to our room I could tell she was upset. I let her know that it was ok to be disappointed that she didn’t win. She sat on the couch and cried (for less than 2 minutes). I then told her that she needed to be so so proud of herself for getting top 2. 10 minutes later we were in the pool swimming with Lauryn. And I saw two little girls at the end of a long day. Not the new Little Miss of America and her runner up. I credit a lot of that to the conversations that she and I have often about doing her best and being proud of that. It also showed me that I had grown a lot because I was sitting right next to Lauryn’s mom talking about our girls. And old me wouldn’t have been able to do that. I would have been too busy sulking about my kid’s loss to enjoy the next moment.

That’s the thing is so often we imprint our expectations of what we want for our kids onto our kids. So that they want to win so badly to make us proud. Not for themselves, but because they think we might be disappointed if they don’t… Let that sink in. If you don’t believe me, ask your kid’s coach. They’ll tell you straight up that I’m right. So, before every competition Amelia and I have a talk. She knows that if she goes out and does her best, that’s all she can do. Her goal is to get the top bucket of scoring that is available to her for her skill level. If that means that she places first overall, great! We celebrate. If that means she gets a Diamond score, but still places out of the top 10, then she knows I will still be excited for her. Neither she nor I can help how the judges rank her on any given day. What she can control is the amount of work she puts in beforehand and what she does on that stage. After that on any given day it is anyone’s ballgame.

That isn’t to say that Amelia likes losing. My kid still cares about losing. But she does it in a way that is respectful and graceful. She will be the first one out of the gate to hug your neck if you come out on top that day. If she’s disappointed, you won’t see it on a stage. There are no fits or Dance Moms like outbursts with anyone storming off stage. And at the end of the day, she will be a better human for it.

So I’ve had to alter how I approach every competition, be it in dance, a pageant, or whatever. She knows that no matter what as long as she works hard and tries her hardest, that I will be proud of her. She knows that not being first isn’t the end of the world. In 30 years when my daughter’s daughter asks her about which dance competitions she won and lost, she won’t be able to tell her. I can say this with a fair amount of certainty because Amelia and I had a similar conversation last week. What she will remember is growing up on a team full of her best friends and that dance was one of her favorite places to be with her favorite people. And that after every single awards ceremony her mom picked her up, spun her around, and told her she was proud of what she did on the stage. Every. Single. Time.

But even more importantly than that, kids that don’t learn to lose with grace, won’t grow up to be adults that can handle the real world. Because guess what, the real world is not full of trophies for everyone and people that understand crying over spilled milk. The real world is about doing your best and sometimes still not coming out on top. It is what you do with those moments that show your character. Life is honestly one continuous competition season. You work hard, do your best, and sometimes you end up on top. Sometimes you don’t and you don’t agree with the people judging you. And sometimes there are actually folks in this world better than you. We have to teach our children how to handle that because you don’t just magically wake up one day and flip the grown up switch. It is the little things we do, like teaching our kids to be ok if their name isn’t called last, that inch them toward being functioning and respectful adults each and every day. So as hard as it is, I’ve had to learn to embrace losing just as much as I embrace winning. And don’t think that Amelia is perfect at this just yet. There are still times on stage that I can see that terse smile underneath the stage smile when she isn’t on top. As long as I’m the only one to see it, then she and I are still headed in the right direction =)