So this happened earlier this week…
And in case you didn’t read the article, a woman was awarded
back child support plus interest nearly 50 years after the divorce. While some
of you may think that the kid is all grown up now and that woman doesn’t need
help supporting the kid, let me put a few things into perspective for you.
First of all, my ex doesn’t pay. I take that back… He sent
$26 last year. Total for like the whole year. I used it to take my kids to 3rd
Realm during Spring Break and it didn’t even cover the one hour jump time fee,
so… He has rarely ever paid and is currently over $17k behind in child support.
So I have obviously adopted my budget to not include the money he should be
paying me each month (which is laughable to begin with. Ok side note – when we
got divorced he waited until a week after we got divorced to accept a job so
the judge awarded him something called “imputed income”. Which basically means
since he didn’t have a job they listed his income at the poverty level and set
child support accordingly. It happens more than you would think and it is
sickening. I was awarded $356 a month and at the time I had two children in
daycare that cost me over $1700/month.) Ok, back to business.
And yes, I have an open case with child support enforcement.
But the system is honestly not set up to benefit the person getting paid. Let
me lay out this scenario. My ex husband does not pay child support. So child
support sends a letter to the last known address asking him to confirm that he
lives there. Now if he does the state has the ability to revoke his driver’s
license, put him in jail, a whole host of super fun things. So let me tell you
how often those letters get sent back confirming an address… To make matters
more complicated, my ex husband doesn’t live in the state so our child support
office is trying to work with another child support office to confirm that he
even lives in that state before said letters can be sent. So in other words, I’m
probably never going to see a dime because you can’t enforce what you can’t
find. Unless he just happens to want to send them a check (see the $26 payment
for all of 2018).
And his family is no help. I’ve reached out to them for help
locating. Michigan child support has sent people to his sister’s house, where they
deny knowing where he is. That part gets me a little ragey. I mean taking
someone’s side in an argument is one thing. Protecting a dead beat dad from
having to pay child support is quite another. As far as I am concerned if you
choose to protect his whereabouts then you are taking sides against my kids.
And that isn’t looked upon favorably in my house. Nope, nope, nope.
So the real effect of people not paying child support is
that the burden lies solely on me. Think about how it would feel to go to work
every day and know if you lost your job, you have lost the only income your
family has to survive. It happened to me 18 months ago. I, along with 200 other
people, got laid off with no severance in a phone call. It sent me into a
tailspin that took months to recover from. It was one of the scariest times in
my life. Luckily I had savings and was able to find a new position (that I
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE) relatively quickly, but it was at a 40% pay cut. 40% of our
household salary was gone, so we learned to adjust.
What that meant for me is that I could no longer contribute
monthly to my Roth IRA. I didn’t put anything into my 401k for an entire year.
I no longer am able to contribute to my kids’ 529 college plans. Meaning that
their dad’s willingness to not pay child support will follow my children well
into adulthood. It also meant that I got a second job to pay for the things
that my children love to do. I work 3-4 times a month slinging drinks at a
local concert venue. And believe me, as much as I like working my real job for
9 hours to leave from there, not see my kids, and come home at midnight after
standing on concrete making cocktails for another 7-8 hours, it’s not really
what I set out to do in this life. Ubering drunk 20 somethings around on
Saturday nights, also not my bag. But I do it because it isn’t the kids’ fault
that their dad doesn’t pay. I will always do everything in my power to make
sure not only that they don’t go without, but that their lives are never any
worse for the wear because there is only one parent involved in raising them.
Several of y’all have recently seen Amelia dance. She is a beautiful and award
winning soloist who will not be doing a solo next year. She and I sat down last
summer and had a long talk. I told her that I needed a year where I didn’t have
to stress about how I was going to pay for dance. She was 7. No parent should
ever have to have that conversation with their child, especially not a child
that works as hard as she does. And the truth of the matter is that if her dad
even paid for a few months, her dance for the year would be paid for. But sadly
the $26 check he sent it just doesn’t do a lot of good.
And so money that I could be putting into retirement right
now, or using to do home projects is all being spent on my kiddos. Not that I’m
complaining. I love to watch them do what they do and I will continue to bust
my butt to allow them to follow their dreams. But it means that for the next
decade I don’t get to put as much into retirement as I’d like to. So yeah, that
$150k judgement to that woman was well earned. For years she put her stuff on
hold to be a good parent to her daughter. And I feel like if more men were made
to pony up, then maybe the rest of us wouldn’t suffer as much. And I don’t want
this to feel like a man-hater session. I know there are a lot of you out there
that pay for your kids and do all of the things and make great dads! I also
know a dad that was abused by the system for years and paid thousands of
dollars in child support just so his ex-wife didn’t have to work. I’ve read the
judgement – the judge used his child support like alimony. So I get that it
goes both ways. But the negative light that is sometimes cast on single mothers
about child support is unsettling. Guess what, if your kids are fed, clothed,
and have a place to live, it’s not your business whether or not your baby mama
wants to get her nails done. That isn’t “your” money. The state of Georgia
takes all bills, including mortgage, utilities, etc and divides them by the
total number of people in the house. So in our child support case the amount my
children racked up in their tiny existences (ages 1 and 3) were 2/3 of my
mortgage and all utilities. Not to mention I paid for all the healthcare, extracurriculars,
groceries, etc. His child support, had he chosen to pay it, wouldn’t have even
covered diapers. There are many women in the same boat. So if we want to go out
and get our nails done, by God, that is our right. Not to mention that raising
babies on your own is tough, and sometimes mama just needs a minute.
I guess what I’m trying to say is before you bash another
single mama for the way she chooses to spend her child support, maybe take a
second and think that you don’t know all the details. You don’t know that she’s
leaving her children, working two jobs to make ends meet, etc. And just because
I love the song, I’ll leave you with this… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY Enjoy!
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