Happiness is a beautiful form or courage… This has been my
daily reminder for the past 5 days. This has been my return to normalcy. This
has been my mantra.
First of all, thank you for everyone who has reached out,
prayed for us, or been a part of making us feel safe over the past week. I can
truly say I have felt the prayers envelop our family. So please continue to
include us in your prayers.
And while the threat will never be gone, with a little sleep
and perspective I have retaken control of my life. I will always have to be
diligent with our safety plan, but as often as I am able, I will not allow this
man to steal any more of our life.
Sometimes the “ah-ha” moments come when you aren’t expecting
them. I had several, several people reach out over the past week with offers of
refuge should we ever need it. And let me say that knowing we have a safe haven
is a wonderful feeling. See in Atlanta, he knew where all my friends lived. And
in the beginning I would go to their homes to seek refuge on the nights I
needed. But I would lie awake at night, panicked that we would find us and hurt
me and Braden or hurt my friends. I found out several years later that the
friends we stayed with also felt that same panic. I would never want to put
anyone in jeopardy because of my life choices, so eventually Braden and I just
started staying in hotels. Sometimes for a week or more at a time. Then things
at home would calm down and we’d return. I’m so thankful that Braden isn’t old
enough to remember any of that. But here, Brad doesn’t know where any of my
friends live, so I truly have safe places to seek refuge when it is needed. I
can’t say how comforting that is.
But as I began responding with thanks to all of the offers,
I began to realize that I was right back in the place I was for the last two
years of my marriage. And I don’t want to live a life controlled by fear. I don’t
want to have to run and not be able to be in our home. I want to take back the
life that is mine.
But when dealing with a person that has a mental illness, it
isn’t always that simple. I have to balance my want to not allow the terror he
inflicts on my life to control me with the need to keep my family safe. And
when I say it is a thin line, I mean it. I am trying to get to the point where
I have enough peace of mind and clarity to decipher what is a real threat from
what is just more terroristic behavior. I have to do this without the help of a
peace keeping system that is so broken it may be beyond repair.
And please don’t get me wrong. I very much appreciate law
enforcement officers and all they do for our communities. I just think the
rules and regulations that have been put in place to stop people from abusing
the system, create an inability for the police to help stop actual abuse.
But I am, and will always be a strong, independent woman,
and will find my own way through things. I will continue to work our safety
plan and continue to add to it as necessary. Please continue to lift our family
up in prayers, not just for safety, but for peace.
And now I will ask you to do something that may be
difficult. Please pray for Brad. Pray for peace for him and for help. On Easter
morning I sat in church and prayed for him for the first time in a long time.
And it was all for selfish reasons. But I still prayed. I prayed for him
because I want him to leave my family alone. I prayed for him because I don’t
want to have to be afraid in my own home anymore. I prayed for him because I
can’t imagine being the child of an abuser. I can’t imagine having to tell my
children one day that their own father wants to hurt them. That their own
father has hurt them in the past. I want him to get better, not to be in their
lives, but because his blood runs through them. One day I hope to be able to
pray for him to have a happy life that he really doesn’t deserve. I am not
there yet, but maybe one day I will be.
Every morning the kids and I pray together and our prayer
begins with “Dear God, Thank you for today, and thank you for letting us wake
up safe, and healthy, and happy.” We are safe, we are healthy, and we are
happy, so thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has kept us
that way this week and will continue to pray over us in the days to come. Every
day I am choosing to be courageous, I am choosing to be happy, and choosing to
not let this man take another thing from me.
And to leave you on a happy note, take a listen to this and
imagine the kiddos and I heading down Military toward the Royal, windows down,
and belting the Newsies soundtrack. Because we do, as often as we get the chance
😉 Now IS the time to seize the day!
And again, if you are in the central Arkansas area and are
in an abusive relationship, please reach out to Safe Haven at 315-SAFE. I sat
on their board for years and they truly can offer shelter in the storm. They
also have outreach programs and legal advocacy. In Georgia the Partnership
Against Domestic Violence is wonderful. Women I had never met showed up in
court to fight for my kids and I because I made a phone call to ask for advice.
Sometimes the scariest step is the first one, but I promise there are people
there to prop you up.
Hearts and hugs to all three of you!
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