#metoo

Over the past year as the #MeToo movement has emerged to become a conversation, I’ve been very conflicted about how I’ve felt on the subject. The situation with people like Brett Kavanaugh and now the VA Lt. Governor aren’t helping the matter. The question of should a woman who has been sexually assaulted feel comfortable coming forward has never been an issue for me. But the timing and severity of some accusations have left me wondering where it stops. Does an accuser always deserve the benefit of the doubt? Should a person’s life be ruined because he played a little “grab ass” 25 years ago in college?

Let me rewind to the background to give you a basis for my conflict. In high school I was the definition of a goodie two shoes. (Those of you that have only known me post-high school pick yourselves up off the floor - I have witnesses!) I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke, and even though I had a steady boyfriend, I didn’t have sex. Even though I was in a committed relationship of several years and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this boy loved me, sex was not something I wanted to enter into the equation. Lucky for me, neither did he. About the worst thing I ever did in high school was go out with friends to watch other people doing “bad stuff”. I was a virgin and proud of it. 

Until one night in the summer of 1997. I was 16. And I was out with some friends and some older boys I didn’t know. And one of them put his hands around my throat and held me down in the back of a pickup truck and took my virginity. I remember screaming, but no one could hear. And I remember tears sliding down my cheeks because I knew in that moment I was losing something I would never get back. I remember praying for it to end. And I remember most of all feeling ashamed. And dirty.

I came home that night and showered and immediately went to bed. I didn’t tell my parents because this world that we live in had conditioned me to think that rape doesn’t happen to “people like us.” My dad was a prominent businessman and what would his clients think. I was a straight A student at the top of my class, and what would my teachers think? Would anyone believe me? The idea of having to tell my parents, let alone the police, was overwhelming. And embarrassing. And what if I told someone and they didn’t believe me? Or worse, what if it went to trial and I was put on the stand and they blamed me? After all, what was I doing with those boys in the first place? So I kept it a secret. Which was awful because I had the kind of loving and supportive relationship with my mom where we shared everything. She would have believed me, but she couldn’t control the world... 

Almost every single night in the beginning I had nightmares. I couldn’t close my eyes without feeling his hands around my neck. Without seeing the pleasure in his eyes, knowing he had taken something from me that I could never get back. The shame followed me everywhere I went until it was almost unbearable. 

A year later I wrote a letter to my boyfriend that was never sent. I vaguely made reference to the event. A few weeks later my mom found the letter. I remember being at a friend’s house and getting a call to come home. I drove home, almost sick, because I knew that the truth was finally unavoidable. I told her and we cried. I begged her not to tell my father, but of course you can’t keep something like that from a parent. As a parent now myself I can’t imagine the pain they must have felt knowing what had happened.

The next day mom took me to get tested for HIV and a myriad of other STDs. It was one of the most degrading moments of my life. Because it made that feeling of being dirty come back all over again. And though I had begun to heal, the wounds were all ripped back open. For years I struggled with nightmares and a lot of anger and shame over being the victim of rape. Over someone else taking my virginity. But after almost 21 years and a good therapist in Atlanta, I finally own my feelings about it. There are still moments where it comes flooding back, seeing the same car he drove, watching certain scenes in a movie, it really isn’t a feeling I can control. But those moments have become much fewer and far between. Something terrible happened to me, something unforgivable, but I will no longer allow myself to fall victim to what that man did to me. To what that man took from me. 

But now here we are, in the middle of a polarized society, where everyone feels it is their right to judge the actions of total and complete strangers. And I can’t help but wonder, what effect does it have on our daughters when the news media accuses the women of lying? Or our government officials? I’m not saying these women are telling the truth or not. But when congressmen berate women that have accused someone of sexual assault and it is covered on national tv, what affect does that have on our children? What kind of society is it creating for them to want to tell the truth in the future? Or maybe you have had discussions with your husband or wife about these women. Did your child overhear it? Are you teaching her or her friends that women who come forward about rape, even 20 years later are liars? That is me, right now. No I am not naming him, but this is the first time I have publically shared this information. 21 years later.  Are we as the adults of this society perpetuating a view where we see “these women” as the kind of victims that we pity, but if they had made better decisions maybe it wouldn’t have happened? I’m not saying that all of these women have been truthful, and if they haven’t been, shame on them. Peoples lives have been ruined on both sides of the table. 

Regardless, this is one of the hardest things I have ever put into writing. But I did it for several reasons. I have felt a tug on my heart for several months now to make what happened to me all those years ago matter. To me, this is how it happens. By sharing my story. By maybe changing the face of the conversations happening around me. Or by helping someone else to know they are not alone. That first year after my rape was the most alone I’ve ever felt. And I didn’t have to be. I had two parents that loved me and would have gotten me the help I needed much sooner had I felt ok enough to tell them. If that is you, my door is always open. We can laugh, or cry, or punch the couch pillows until we feel better.  Or maybe it is that someone that sees this will get help. For a long time I fought the idea of therapy. Therapy was for the weak and I had to prove that I was strong enough to overcome this on my own. That decision almost ended me. If you walk away from this point with anything, I hope it is a new understanding that the statistics on sexual assault do not lie. There are probably women who you see every day that have been raped or assaulted. Be the kind of person that makes them feel ok in whatever leg of the journey they are in. I promise our world will be a better place for it.

You look happy...

Yesterday I found myself going back through pictures of the past year for a project and I was once again amazed at all of the stuff my family does. I mean, man, we have had some good times. Not just over the past year, but in our lives together for the past decade. And just looking at the pictures brought memories back that put a smile on my face.

And then it caused me to think about several of the birthday wishes I received. Many of them included something to the effect of “You look so happy, I’m so excited for you”.  So I started thinking about the timing of it all. When you’re single, people typically only talk about how happy you look once you’ve gotten into a relationship. I don't seem to get those "You look happy" texts when I'm plugging along at the single mom life. Why is that?

And don’t get me wrong, I’ll take a compliment anytime I can get one. And I’m glad I look happy. But why is it that society looks at a single mom and thinks she can only be happy if there is another person in the picture? One of my most precious things in my bedroom is a collage of the first trip I ever took with the kids as a single mom. I loaded up with a girlfriend and her daughter and we went to Memphis for the weekend. The kids and I took some (terrible) selfies at the zoo and those photos, to me, will always define happiness for me. The smiles captured on our faces still to this day bring back a warm feeling every time I see that picture.

I guess for me, I want to teach my kids that you can be happy in whatever life you decide to be happy in. For some that is a marriage with kids. For some that is living the single life until the day they die. No matter if I am single or in a relationship, I try to live my life by the 80/20 rule. I know that life is not all sunshine and rainbows, and that no one is happy every day. Things happen. People die. Jobs are lost. Relationships end. But the rest of the time I want to make the most of my life. I don’t want to pin my happiness on another person. I certainly don’t want that for my children.

So I would encourage you as we move into yet another new year, to seek out happiness in whatever state your life is in right now. But also to celebrate the happiness of others no matter the state theirs is in. It is so easy to judge someone else’s happiness by our standards. And I’m not saying “Y’all”, I’m saying we all do it. But I challenge you to step outside your box and be happy even when someone else’s happy doesn’t look like yours. A friend came over the other night that doesn’t have kids. I didn’t look at her and wonder how she found a place to be happy without kids. I said, “Heck yeah, let’s take your fancy ride that I’ll never be able to afford because kids are expensive out for a spin.” Happy can look just the way you need it to.

I hope that when Amelia grows up that she is as strong and fiercely independent as I am so that she can CHOOSE what makes her happy. If that means that she is a wife and mom to my grandbabies, then so be it. If that means that she climbs the corporate ladder and we take fabulous trips around the world together, then so be it. Same for Braden. I hope when he is old enough that I will have taught him how to live on his own so that he can choose the things and people that truly make him happy. All of that starts when we wish true happiness every day for those around us where their happy doesn’t look like ours.

Thanks for reading and I hope your 2019 is off to a FANTASTIC start. You look happy and I’m excited for you.

NASA: Adventures in space and long division

Over the past year Braden has struggled some with math concepts. Not that he would get it wrong, but he truly was not taking the time to understand why an answer was the answer. He didn’t take the time because he didn’t find it fun, or the subjects in word problems did not interest him. Because let’s face it, who cares that Sally had two brothers that were 7 years older than her.

And then it dawned on me one day ~ math is just data aggregated up and down in different ways at the end of the day. AKA – the thing I do every day for work. So I put on my thinking cap and tried to figure out how I could use what I do to help Braden. Then Voila- Long division with NASA. He loves one of those two things =)

https://public.tableau.com/profile/lauren.lisowe#!/vizhome/LongDivisionwithNASA/AstronautSummary

The concept is simple. Using Tableau (A data visualization tool we use at work, but a limited function public version is free online I believe) I took a set of data I found on the internet about astronauts and put together a set of questions and answers. The questions appear in a drop down on the left hand side of the screen. The numbers that go into calculating the answers can all be found on screen. For example, average hours per flight. We list the total space flights and the total space flight hours on the page. What I do is have Braden find his numerator and denominator and calculate his answer on paper first. He then plugs his numerator and denominator in to the sheet and voila – an answer appears for him to check his work. The answer does not appear in a percentage format, so that is one extra step I’ve added in with him since 5^th grade math also focuses on moving decimals. I make him transform his answer into a percentage. Then we pick another question and start again.

This visualization helps him understand the inner workings of division, but it also helps him understand how to read word problems and pull out the correct data.

At the bottom right of the page there is a section for Metadata. Those links contain graphs with other related data. You can also use this data to have the student create their own questions and find the answers. The Data Sheet is a crosstab of all the data used to create the graphs.

Really this is easy to do with any data set, but I found that allowing Braden to visually see things in this format helped him understand the concepts much more. It is also data that he is interested in, so it held his interest and led to other types of critical thinking questions (“Why are there so many less women”). We could then use our data to look at graphs to understand the answer to his question, so a hint of science was also brought in.

Kicking Cans and Raising Dragons

Ok… taking a week off from talking about being intentional (notice I did not say taking a week off from actually being intentional!) Although before I do I’ll report in on how my whole “eat fruit with every meal” goal is going. Monday – check. All the fruit, all the meals. Tuesday… depends. Does apple pie count as fruit? Sheepish would be how I feel about Tuesday. We had sales training which means catered lunch and I had a NAJA (yes I know I thought I was on break, too) thing out of town which just in general means food that does not include fruit. Plus we ran out of fruit at my house. Like all of it. Fresh fruit, canned fruit, fruit cups, fruit bars (which is not really fruit), yogurt (see previous parentheses). ALL OF IT. But I have now solved that over lunch hour on Wednesday (how is it only WEDNESDAY!!!). So back on track.

I digress. So, I’m taking a week off this week because I want to see if anyone else is every derailed by a single conversation? A single person? A single moment? Y’all the last half of my last week was legitimately hijacked by a singular person/event. And try as I might, I could not get past it.

To the point where I’m saying to people “I know this sounds petty, but…” Like a lot. To everyone. I mean we are talking firstest of the first world problems here. Ugh. But nonetheless, this singular event just bugged me last week. A LOT (did I mention it bothered me?) To the point where I was losing sleep. And in the event that I did actually fall asleep I woke up irritated and thinking about this.  And what I would do to right the injustice and how I would fight the system. Only to realize over and over again that IT JUST DIDN’T MATTER.

But I still let it consume me. Like I would say to myself “Lauren, we are better than this, move on.” And I would until I thought about it again. And then I’d be angry all over again. I’m talking raise a dragon to lay waste to the land sort of angry. And for what?

Now I will say that for the first time in the ever of evers for me I wrote an email and DID NOT send it. I told myself to wait 24 hours. Turns out I didn’t need it. 6 hours in I realized that email did not ever need to see the light of day. Nothing in the email was incorrect or unprofessional (think more terse with an overwhelming angry undertone), it is just that sending it would accomplish nothing. 6 hours in I also realized I was being petty, but couldn’t shake the angry feeling.

So have you ever been through that? How do you deal with it? I had lots of long talks with myself. I prayed for this person, even though I didn’t want to. I went all Rachel Hollis (hey girl hey) and tried to find commonality with the person at the root of my event. I did all of those things and still ended up angry. Like angry enough to pull all of my future planned monetary and time donations from the organization at the center of the derailment. Why? Because I felt slighted? Because I wasn’t treated right? How many times do I roll my eyes and tell my children that life is not fair? Yet I allow this perceived unfairness to literally consume me for 5 days? What is that?

For the record, I’ve calmed down. Some. I’m still pissy about the entire situation, but more of an “I’ll kick your trashcan over” kind of angry than the fiery dragon kind of angry from before. I think at the root of the situation it is because I feel like I’m right about things (and truth be told, I probably am), but back to what I tell my kids, so what!! So what that you’re right. It doesn’t change what happened. And by allowing yourself to be angry about it for more than 60 minutes, you’re letting this person and this situation win over and over and over again.

So truly I ask, if you are one of the people in this world that gets bogged down in the petty nonsense and you have brains enough to see that, how do you get unstuck?

Tiny Purple Devil Fruit

This week is going to be full of some not nice feelings for me. And some irony. Because as I sit here writing about being intentional about what I put in my body my mouth is full and I just took a swig of Coke Zero to wash down the previous bite of breakfast…

So here it is. Week 5 – aka being intentional about my body – aka the talk I have with myself EVERY. SINGLE. MONDAY.

Let’s set the stage. I am not one of those women who fell into weight struggles later in life because babies and college and whatever. I have struggled with weight as long as I can remember. I was one of the most active kids you ever met and I looked at a Cheeto and gained 5 pounds. So I am no stranger to dieting and exercise.

I have actually been quite successful at it at times during my life. Those times were before I got home from work/kids at 9pm every night too exhausted to do anything but drool on myself. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be successful. Every Monday, pretty much without fail I set out to be better. And typically by dinner that night I’ve fallen off the wagon. By Tuesday I have pushed the wagon down the hill after setting it on fire.

And why is that? I can wake up after failing my kids or failing at work or failing with friends and go about being better the next day. But something about THIS aspect is an all or nothing thing for me. “Well, I didn’t exercise today so I guess I’ll wait to start until next Monday.” That was January. Sigh. Or “Well, I didn’t eat well yesterday so I might as well eat nachos for breakfast” ß That was literally my thought process last Friday. In my defense they were leftovers and I didn’t have time for my traditional egg breakfast (hello, rationalize much??).

And I know me. I know I can’t do all the things all at once. Because there are A LOT of habits I’d like to change about my body. I can’t quit carbs, and Coke Zeros, and alcohol, and create a gym regimen all in the same week. So I try to start small.

Last week I determined that this week was the week I ate better. In order to do that I HAVE to meal prep. Have to. So I bought all the things to make that happen. Including an eggplant. Now, I like eggplant. I’ve cooked it several times before. This eggplant came with some sort of mental block. Like it sat on my counter for 5 days. And when I’d pass by it I would think mean things about it. “You are not nachos. You sit there and think about what you’ve become.”  or "You are a tiny purple fruit made by the devil." I finally cooked it because I really can’t stand to waste food and now those bad feelings are carrying over into the eating of the eggplant. But I ate it. Yesterday for lunch I had the weirdest combination of food you’ll probably ever have (think eggplant balsamic thing covered in alfredo sauce and red pepper wrapped in a tortilla and covered in Frank’s hot sauce. I told you it was weird!) And last night, because I had failed to plan, I had Burger King.

But I will say that maybe I am making baby steps. Because instead of feeling defeated this morning I packed my breakfast of a duck egg and some watermelon and am happily consuming as I write this.

So this week in terms of being intentional about my life, I haven’t mapped out a game plan. I am still trying to find the one that fits with our lifestyle and schedule and that I can honestly stick to. Because I really do feel better when I put the good things in my body, but short of hiring a personal chef, it isn’t going to be easy. I think for me small changes are the way to go. Maybe one new one per week. So for next week I shall add fruit to every meal. I like fruit and as long as I can get to the store to buy it I’ll be fine. Week 1 goal in the bag.  And no fast food. Fruit and no fast food. I’m already feeling like next week may be the week…

Report Card

Ok, so this is blog #4 since my whole “my goal is to be intentional in all the things”, so I thought it was a good time to touch base.

So right off the bat, I’m going to admit a failure. My goal had been to be intentional about writing. In order to do that I set a goal of writing once per week for 52 weeks. I made it three weeks. Technically less than that, because I didn’t set the goal before I began. Last week was a short week at work, coming off a mini vacation, and I had a huge project due on Friday. That last sentence seems like an excuse, or a rationalization even. But it wasn’t. It was the reason. And knowing the difference between a reason and an excuse I think can help me be more successful in the long run. I felt myself starting to get stressed last week about finding the time to write a blog. But a) when I’m stressed the creativity doesn’t exactly flow, so I didn’t even have an idea and b) if writing is cathartic, then why am I allowing it to stress me out.

So guess what… I gave myself a break. A hall pass. A get over it and don’t feel guilty card. And guess what, I did. It’s such a slippery slope when you are the one holding yourself accountable to things because one week turns into 3 that turn into a lifetime of never achieving what you wanted. But at the same time a reason for missing a goal can absolutely be a good one and sometimes you have to cut yourself some slack. So I did. And guess what, I’m back at it this week =)

So, intentional item #1, working through a failure. Item #2 – be intentional about who I put in my life. Well, I’m pleased to say this is going well on my end (I’ll circle back to an observation later). The first path to success for me on this was looking around and deciding who I want in my life. Do I take the vacation with the drinking buddy (not that having those is a bad thing) or the godly woman from church that I admire?  Do I jump back into the dating pool even though it seems to get shallower ever time I visit? Do I call up old friends that I may have lost touch with because life gets busy and I’m not always the friend I should be?

So once I was able to define what that looked like for me, the path got easier. Notice I did not say easy. Being intentional about who you put in your life requires effort. Every day. I try every single day to reach out to someone that I consider a friend that I may not have spoken to in a while. It might be a text just to say they’ve been on my mind. Sometimes those go unanswered. But it is me making an effort. When I know my friends are going through something difficult, I reach out. And not just once, over and over so they know they aren’t alone. And I pray for them, often. But that still didn’t necessarily put the right people in my life.

So I’ve become intentional about creating meaningful relationships with other women. I struggle sometimes at work because this is a man’s world and it is easy for a woman manager to get lost in that. So I called a woman that I admire and asked her for advice. I even went further than that, I told her I needed a mentor. So now that door is open anytime I need it to be. Which just knowing that the door is there makes things seem much easier to tackle. I am also super excited about my “not a book club” gathering that will start next week. I’ve reached out to three girlfriends and asked for an hour of their time each week. We will be reading a book, but we’ll also be sharing thoughts and ideas and forming bonds with women who are not like us. The only common thread they all have is me. And I’ve asked them to bring someone I don’t know. It could turn out to be a total disaster, but I hope not. I’m really excited about it!

Ok, to circle back around, it has been eye opening, almost to the point of discouraging how many people say they’ll make plans and then never do. And this is not an accusation. I totally used to be guilty of this. “Hey great to see you, let’s have lunch soon.” “Ok” and then no one ever lunches. I have counted 5 (yes 5!!!) people in the past 7 days that I have reached out to to try and schedule lunch with who all say “yes that’s a great idea” and then zero follow through. And I’m even the one texting them saying “hey, send me some dates that work for lunch” and nothing. I don’t think it is me personally (I mean it could be, but I hope not). I think that is just the culture we live in today. But my challenge to you this week if you take anything away from reading this would be to answer that text. Make the lunch plans. And show up. I’m pretty sure you’ll be glad you did.

So finally, goal number 3… being intentional with my kids. For me, this is the hardest one. I’m not going to rehash the why, but y’all, I’m tired. All the time. And I love my children, but I could not care less about their house in RoadBlox (I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong) or who is managing the pizza parlour that day. And since sometimes victories are about gaining the inch and not the mile I have not chosen to care about their make believe houses and jobs yet.

What I have done is create an environment where we are all present together, and I don’t mean necessarily just physically. All electronic devices are kept in my room until the weekends. That means when we are home we can do things together, and not the whole “each in their own corner” mentality. Amelia has started reading to me every night as a part of her school work. She used to read in her room, but this is 15 minutes that she and I get to share something together. Braden and I still spend time in the kitchen each week, so forward progress is being made.

So I guess in terms of a grade, I hit 2 of the 3, 66.67%. If I’m grading on a curve I’d bump that up 10-15% since really I missed a goal on issue 1, but did not give up. So I’m sitting at a solid C right now. I can live with that. It is certainly not failure, but it gives me something to continue to improve on. Which is 100% where I see life right now. I’m happy. And I’m busy. Sometimes I’m so busy I can’t see straight. But I’m fulfilled. And that is what happens when you are intentional, your bucket gets filled.

Riding along in my automobile...intentionally

As we've discussed, the theme of my new focus is being intentional. I want to be intentional about who I put into my life. Because without that we end up trapped in something causing us pain that we don’t even know we are trapped in. Got it?

But the intentional part doesn’t stop there. Once you have people in your life, what do you do with them? In theory if you’ve selected the right type of people, then you’re all cruising along being awesome together. And maybe that is a post for another day. What if the people are family? The kind that have to be there? Like the tiny humans…? How intentional are my interactions with them?

Yes, yes, I intentionally interact with them every day. I chose to be a part of their lives. I make them breakfast (ok technically they make their own now, but you get the point), drive them places, watch them blossom into tiny humans who can do things like make their own breakfasts. And I love every moment (ok, that is a lie, mom life is hard sometimes… but I love most of the moments).

But recently I have found us busier than ever (cue the “I told you so” from parents with children older than mine…) . Like eat in the car, shower only when extremely necessary kind of busy. I mean I looked up and this summer was GONE. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching my kids do things they love. I will always be their biggest cheerleader and supporter, but lately I’ve felt a lot more like a chauffer than a raiser of tiny humans.

So, I want to be more intentional in my interactions with my kiddos. And y’all… that is HARD! I mean, sometimes all I want to do when I get home from a long day turned even longer by soccer/dance/gymnastics/theater is sit on the couch and stare at a wall. Maybe eat. Maybe not. Naps would be great. But that isn’t what is best for my kids. Yes, one of those days where we all veg on the couch while eating tv watching a show is ok. But it can’t turn into the norm. Last night my 7 year old daughter took it upon herself to heat up some mac n cheese and set the table for everyone so that we would sit down at the table and share a meal together. While my heart was humbled at the fact that she wanted to do this, it was also a little sad because I couldn’t remember the last time we’d shared a meal together at our table.

As a part of keeping me honest, I’m going to share with you guys my plan for being more intentional with my kids. Please hold me to it.

Step 1) We each set a weekly goal on Sunday night. It should be something we can accomplish in 7 days. It can be about school, or work, or friends, or self care, but we have a goal. We write that goal down and post it on the fridge. We have daily check ins and reminders about the goals. That is causing us to have bigger conversations than “How was school?” ”Fine”. (Although remind me to tell you guys about the “where do babies come from conversation” with Braden two weeks ago… one of the funniest, yet most terrifying moments of my life). So we set and talk about goals. I won’t share the kids, because that is theirs to share, but mine this week was to find a mentor. And as soon as I set the goal I knew exactly how to set about finding one, so made a phone call (I know that seems counter productive to my “be more present” goal, but if I have a mentor then I stress less about work, allowing me more time to spend with the kiddos). Yay goals!

Step 2) Create time and stress less. Now you will never once hear me say that being late is acceptable. Not once, not ever. But I have started stressing less about it if it happens to occur. Old Lauren would stew in the car, afraid that the world would no longer accept us because we were 3 minutes late to a practice. So, starting now I won’t stress and I’ll be more present in the car. Because honestly we spend a lot of time in the car. So no more zoning out. Be present, have the conversations.

Step 3) Take time for family. Over the past 12 or so years I have worked so hard to try and get our family into the same geographical area. Now it’s happened so I need to make sure we are taking advantage of it. All of us! Last week I booked a weekend get away with my brother’s family in October. Because spending time with my cousins was one of my favorite parts of childhood!

Step 4) This one is the hardest, yet it seems so simple. Just be present. Going at this pace often leaves my brain friend by 7pm. I just want to sit for a moment and relax. But I have to do better. I’m not saying to give up my “me” time, I’m saying I need to slow down enough so that the me time can wait. When my kids are home and awake, I need to be in a state of mind to give them my attention. Again, I’m not saying all the time. Playing alone is something that every child needs to learn to do, but there has to be equal time when we do things together, and not just watch tv. So one thing I’ve started doing is having Amelia read to me at night, instead of in her room. I was so good about doing this with Braden, but #secondkidproblems have kicked into full gear. Braden and I take a lot of time lately in the kitchen. I am being present with them in whatever small ways I can find. No matter how tired I am.

Stay tuned. Life is a delicate balance of raising them right and letting them fly. Most days I feel like I’m doing ok, but some days it feels like I’m barely treading water with them. At the end of their childhoods I want most importantly for them to look back and know they were loved.