Feeling a little Green...

My crew saw Wicked (again) last weekend thanks to Mimi and Pops and an epic Christmas morning. And it was fantastic. Practically perfect. And there is one scene in that show that always gets me. (Technically there are a lot, but only one that makes me cry). And I honestly thought I was going to make it through this time. I was wrong. When Elphaba hits that last verse on Defying Gravity I feel the wet trickle down the side of my face. Every. Single. Time.

Since the show I’ve begun to think about why. Why does that one scene get me every time? I mean, I’ve seen lots of theater. I’ve seen my own kid killed on stage (a lot!) And I’ll admit – I cried then, too. But I’ve seen a lot of really moving, fantastic theater that doesn’t make me cry. So why that scene? And then it hit me.

I really identify with Elphaba. Like a lot. The only thing I’m missing is a little green tint to the skin and magical powers to read some long forgotten secret language, but other than that, Same. Stay with me.

For those of you that don’t know, I can sum up Elphaba’s character… quirky, passionate, do-gooder that is often misunderstood because she is strong and different than others. She is rejected by people and her intentions often misconstrued and twisted so that the world thinks she is evil.

Y’all – I’ve literally had that happen to me. And it’s hard. I have always been liked, but often not included in the inner circles. I am often left out of festivities and celebrations. And there are a lot of people in this world that just flat don’t like me. But I think it is because they don’t know me. Not the real me. They know a version of me that may exist for a second or a minute, but they don’t know the real me. And I’ve spent a large part of my adult life fighting the urge to let that destroy me.

I lived with a girl in college for 7 years off and on. We knew as much about each other as any two people can know about each other. She is still one of my best friends. And people used to ask her why she was friends with me. She was reserved and, well, good. I was wild and wicked ;) But she always told people “If you only knew her like I do, you’d know she has the biggest heart around.”

We encourage our daughters to become strong women, but when they actually grow up and become strong women they are labeled a Bitch. Or callous. Or aggressive. Or rude. Or a million other names I’ve been called over the years. And just because you are strong, it doesn’t mean those things don’t hurt. Every time it chips away at a little bit of that strength. And where strength used to be a callous begins to form.

My gift in this world is service. It is my love language, and I will give every last ounce of strength serving others. A lot of my time these days is devoted to my children, but I am also head of two non-profits. Not for a resume builder or so that I can toot my own horn, but because serving others makes my soul feel alive. That number is actually down. I think my max was 4 non-profit boards at one time. And I gave myself fully to every position. And even in giving of myself people twist that into a horrific world view of me.

And when people spread lies, or even worse, those you love don’t stand up to the lies, it chips away another part of you and another callous emerges. And another. And another. And another. There are people in my everyday life that I know for a fact do not like me. I’ve ever done anything to them, but they do not like me. And they are involved with my kids so I kind of just have to go with the flow. But it is hard. Another day, another comment, another chip, another callous.

(WICKED SPOILER ALERT!!)

Until finally you are with the Wizard and you lose your mind and the world explodes and all of a sudden monkeys are flying all around.

And the thing that gets me is then people stand around and look at the circus and wonder how something like that could happen. How on earth could she just explode like that? I mean never you mind that she is a single parent and sole provider for her family of three that was up until 11 last night sewing elastic on pointe shoes because she knew her daughter’s heart would be broken if it wasn’t done. Oh wait, Toto – I’m not sure we are talking about Elphaba anymore.

I get judged when I want to take a day and spend with my family (Seriously – I’ve gotten messages about not doing my part recently) and I get judged for doing too much. Or I get judged for doing things the wrong way. I’m a rule follower (to a fault) and I get judged and criticized for following the rules. So at what point is it ok to just say “Screw It” and become the person everyone thinks you already are? #mamasaidscrewit

My plea for you today would be to think about how you treat people. And not just on the surface. Think about how you truly feel about them and whether or not it is warranted.  Think about whether your actions toward them and your interactions with them make their day better or worse. And if the answer isn’t better, maybe think about what you can do to change that.

I guess for me winning is not becoming the person they think I am. Winning is going to be every night with a clean conscience knowing that what I do each day is enough for me and my kids. And winning is knowing that I have a purpose in this world, and despite what anyone else thinks about it, I’m fulfilling it. But every once in a while it does seem appealing to Fly Off the Handle and grab a broom…