Just rip the dress
In one of the earlier seasons of Gray’s Anatomy, Christina was
going to marry to Preston Burke. And then she didn’t. He left her at the alter.
And at the end of that episode there is a scene where Meredith cuts Christina
out of her wedding dress as Christina sobs. You think it is because she feels
so sad, but she mutters that she is relieved. I remember the first time (and
all subsequent times) that I’ve seen that episode wondering how you get to a
point of feeling so relieved that it is over. Why not just end it?
I ended something Saturday night. Something that has existed
in my life as a relationship of some type or another since last June. It has
taken many ups and downs and sideways turns, but at the root there was a lot of
love. But underneath all of that was this truth that I was living the
relationship that he wanted for us, not one I envisioned for myself. Although I’ve
acknowledged that to friends and family over the past 15 months, there was
always this fear that in addition to losing a relationship (and all of the feelings of failure that come with that), if I ended things I
would also be losing a friend.
That last statement is SOOOO me. I’m a stayer! I stay way
too long because I rationalize all of the things that make me unhappy in a
relationship. And I think I do that because I often confuse that
rationalization with compromise. We are supposed to compromise, right? That’s the
basis of any good relationship is compromise. It’s Relationship 101. But all of
us have (or should have) these sticking points. Things we aren’t willing to
compromise on. I do, and at the beginning of every relationship I am so
resolute in them. Then I fall in love and that resolution begins to fade into
rationalization. “Well, I can do this because I love him and he loves me and it’s
not like he explicitly asked me to do this, it’s just something I have to do if
we want to be together…” When I say it like that I seem kind of like someone I
would hate. One of those women who doesn’t have the guts to do what is right
for herself. **Sigh**
BUT… this man had grown to become my person. We talked every
day throughout most of the day. We shared in each other’s joys and successes
and failures. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up. I was scared. Because honestly what
relationship doesn’t also end up with that person being one of your best
friends? Losing your partner and your friend in one decision is SCARY! So I
chose to compromise what I wanted on one end of the spectrum to get something I
thought I needed on the other. And then came my moment.
Ok, I’m not actually sure it was just one moment. I think
maybe it was several tiny moments. But if I’ve learned anything from Gray’s
Anatomy it is that even the smallest bleeds can be catastrophic if not caught
in time. I didn’t want to continue to put band aids on something that we both
knew will never heal.
And I expected for it to wreck me. Don’t get me wrong, that
night I called a friend and she listened while I cried. But the next morning I
woke up expecting to feel that gut wrenching pain that comes with no longer
getting to love someone, and I didn’t. The tears didn’t come. Instead I sat up
and felt relief. Not relief in that this was a terrible relationship or that he
was a bad person, but relief that I knew I no longer had to put what I wanted
and needed aside for someone else. It was as if someone had cut me out of the
dress and I could finally breath again.
No comments:
Post a Comment