Every Pain has a purpose...

So my best friend had a “stern” talk with me the other day that ended with “just take some time to do you for a while”. As much as I would have loved to have denied the fact that I’m not that girl that seems to always been in some sort of relationship, I couldn’t. I tend to seek something to replace what I’m missing when something ends. Replace that first “Good morning” text and the last “Good night” each day. That’s how I ended up here. I had ended a relationship and I missed him all the time, so I found something that would help take my mind off of things. I never expect these “replacements” to last too long, but then they do. Because apparently I am a relationship person.

And because I haven’t been very intentional about these things I typically end up in messes. Messes that I think will get better, or are going fine, but are they’re really not. Like a small blemish on your body that you refuse to go to the doctor for because it will get better. I mean it’s really not that bad. It will get better on its own if I just do the things I know are right. Then three years later you have an 8 pound tumor growing.

And the thing is, as much as I try to rationalize that things are going well, there are usually signs. Not like someone is being mean to me (although I have done that relationship a few times…), but signs that I’m not happy. But in true adult fashion I rationalize and shove all the feelings down deep. Because I love this person. I love the life I share with this person. I love the things I share with them that I don’t share with anyone else. Plus typically in any sort of good relationship, this person becomes a friend. So not only are you losing a plus one, you’re losing a friend. And that is scary, and painful, more so because the person you would typically lament to is the person you just lost. So rather than ending things, because that will bring pain, I stay because that pain seems like the lesser of two evils at the time.

Unfortunately all this does is prolong the inevitable. Because the things that I rationalize and shove deep down don’t go away. When left untreated they grow. So that now instead of a small pain, it has grown… to an 8 pound tumor. It has ruined all chances of good feelings, reconciliation, friendship. All the things you wanted to hold so close to avoid pain.

So what I have come to realize is that every pain has a purpose. And I need to stop ignoring those pains. That doesn’t mean that at the first sign of trouble I should head for the hills. But on the big stuff, the things I shouldn’t compromise on, I need to heed that pain. I need to rip the band aid and feel all the feels because prolonging the inevitable doesn’t make it go away. It makes it grow.

Thanks to a recent (super awkward, but that is another story entirely!!) trip to the movies, I’ve decided that I need to be more intentional about who I put into my life. What purpose do they serve? I want to go out and intentionally seek friendships that allow me to grow and feel loved by amazing women. Women who see things the same as me and women who see things differently than me. Women that love Jesus, and their children, and their dogs, and their husbands (or some combination of any of those things). I want to find godly men to surround myself with that make me laugh. Men that are friends with no other expectations. People that love me for the strong person I am, but aren’t afraid to challenge me when I’m wrong.  I won’t be able to stop pain in the future, because let’s face it, my “picker of men” function won’t be magically cured overnight. So there will be more pain in the future. But my hope is that as I continue to be intentional about the type of people in my life, that I will trust them and grow as a person to recognize and admit those signs earlier.

And that’s the other thing. Admitting when I’m wrong is probably the thing in this life I am the least good at (Ask my mother…for real…she’s got some stories!). So admitting that I was wrong in picking a person that was supposed to be my person is not easy for me. So I think that sometimes I try to make things work so that I don’t have to admit to failing. (I legitimately can’t believe I actually just admitted that on paper.) Because let’s face it, 99% of all relationships don’t fail because of one person. Each person is at fault. So there is that, plus having to admit that I picked yet another thing that didn’t work out. Then in this town you have all the nay-sayers to begin with, so you want so badly for something to work just to prove them wrong. Because clearly that is the basis of a good relationship. Proving people wrong. No wonder I ended up with an 8 pound tumor…

I digress. Even with the pain, and the failures, and all of the things, I learn something each time. I realize things about myself that I don’t like when I look in the mirror. I’ve done a lot of growing over the past year. A lot. I’ve lost friends over it. I’ve had some come back. But what I have come to realize is that I still have so far to go. But I am on a path, to feel the pain, know it’s purpose, and be intentional about surrounding myself with the right people to help me do that. 

One last note... I'm also going to be more intentional about writing. Writing is so cathartic for me and has been a lot of how I uncovered these feelings above. So if you see me out and about, feel free to hold me to it. I promise not all of my stuff will have references to Gray's Anatomy =)