Riding along in my automobile...intentionally

As we've discussed, the theme of my new focus is being intentional. I want to be intentional about who I put into my life. Because without that we end up trapped in something causing us pain that we don’t even know we are trapped in. Got it?

But the intentional part doesn’t stop there. Once you have people in your life, what do you do with them? In theory if you’ve selected the right type of people, then you’re all cruising along being awesome together. And maybe that is a post for another day. What if the people are family? The kind that have to be there? Like the tiny humans…? How intentional are my interactions with them?

Yes, yes, I intentionally interact with them every day. I chose to be a part of their lives. I make them breakfast (ok technically they make their own now, but you get the point), drive them places, watch them blossom into tiny humans who can do things like make their own breakfasts. And I love every moment (ok, that is a lie, mom life is hard sometimes… but I love most of the moments).

But recently I have found us busier than ever (cue the “I told you so” from parents with children older than mine…) . Like eat in the car, shower only when extremely necessary kind of busy. I mean I looked up and this summer was GONE. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching my kids do things they love. I will always be their biggest cheerleader and supporter, but lately I’ve felt a lot more like a chauffer than a raiser of tiny humans.

So, I want to be more intentional in my interactions with my kiddos. And y’all… that is HARD! I mean, sometimes all I want to do when I get home from a long day turned even longer by soccer/dance/gymnastics/theater is sit on the couch and stare at a wall. Maybe eat. Maybe not. Naps would be great. But that isn’t what is best for my kids. Yes, one of those days where we all veg on the couch while eating tv watching a show is ok. But it can’t turn into the norm. Last night my 7 year old daughter took it upon herself to heat up some mac n cheese and set the table for everyone so that we would sit down at the table and share a meal together. While my heart was humbled at the fact that she wanted to do this, it was also a little sad because I couldn’t remember the last time we’d shared a meal together at our table.

As a part of keeping me honest, I’m going to share with you guys my plan for being more intentional with my kids. Please hold me to it.

Step 1) We each set a weekly goal on Sunday night. It should be something we can accomplish in 7 days. It can be about school, or work, or friends, or self care, but we have a goal. We write that goal down and post it on the fridge. We have daily check ins and reminders about the goals. That is causing us to have bigger conversations than “How was school?” ”Fine”. (Although remind me to tell you guys about the “where do babies come from conversation” with Braden two weeks ago… one of the funniest, yet most terrifying moments of my life). So we set and talk about goals. I won’t share the kids, because that is theirs to share, but mine this week was to find a mentor. And as soon as I set the goal I knew exactly how to set about finding one, so made a phone call (I know that seems counter productive to my “be more present” goal, but if I have a mentor then I stress less about work, allowing me more time to spend with the kiddos). Yay goals!

Step 2) Create time and stress less. Now you will never once hear me say that being late is acceptable. Not once, not ever. But I have started stressing less about it if it happens to occur. Old Lauren would stew in the car, afraid that the world would no longer accept us because we were 3 minutes late to a practice. So, starting now I won’t stress and I’ll be more present in the car. Because honestly we spend a lot of time in the car. So no more zoning out. Be present, have the conversations.

Step 3) Take time for family. Over the past 12 or so years I have worked so hard to try and get our family into the same geographical area. Now it’s happened so I need to make sure we are taking advantage of it. All of us! Last week I booked a weekend get away with my brother’s family in October. Because spending time with my cousins was one of my favorite parts of childhood!

Step 4) This one is the hardest, yet it seems so simple. Just be present. Going at this pace often leaves my brain friend by 7pm. I just want to sit for a moment and relax. But I have to do better. I’m not saying to give up my “me” time, I’m saying I need to slow down enough so that the me time can wait. When my kids are home and awake, I need to be in a state of mind to give them my attention. Again, I’m not saying all the time. Playing alone is something that every child needs to learn to do, but there has to be equal time when we do things together, and not just watch tv. So one thing I’ve started doing is having Amelia read to me at night, instead of in her room. I was so good about doing this with Braden, but #secondkidproblems have kicked into full gear. Braden and I take a lot of time lately in the kitchen. I am being present with them in whatever small ways I can find. No matter how tired I am.

Stay tuned. Life is a delicate balance of raising them right and letting them fly. Most days I feel like I’m doing ok, but some days it feels like I’m barely treading water with them. At the end of their childhoods I want most importantly for them to look back and know they were loved.

Every Pain has a purpose...

So my best friend had a “stern” talk with me the other day that ended with “just take some time to do you for a while”. As much as I would have loved to have denied the fact that I’m not that girl that seems to always been in some sort of relationship, I couldn’t. I tend to seek something to replace what I’m missing when something ends. Replace that first “Good morning” text and the last “Good night” each day. That’s how I ended up here. I had ended a relationship and I missed him all the time, so I found something that would help take my mind off of things. I never expect these “replacements” to last too long, but then they do. Because apparently I am a relationship person.

And because I haven’t been very intentional about these things I typically end up in messes. Messes that I think will get better, or are going fine, but are they’re really not. Like a small blemish on your body that you refuse to go to the doctor for because it will get better. I mean it’s really not that bad. It will get better on its own if I just do the things I know are right. Then three years later you have an 8 pound tumor growing.

And the thing is, as much as I try to rationalize that things are going well, there are usually signs. Not like someone is being mean to me (although I have done that relationship a few times…), but signs that I’m not happy. But in true adult fashion I rationalize and shove all the feelings down deep. Because I love this person. I love the life I share with this person. I love the things I share with them that I don’t share with anyone else. Plus typically in any sort of good relationship, this person becomes a friend. So not only are you losing a plus one, you’re losing a friend. And that is scary, and painful, more so because the person you would typically lament to is the person you just lost. So rather than ending things, because that will bring pain, I stay because that pain seems like the lesser of two evils at the time.

Unfortunately all this does is prolong the inevitable. Because the things that I rationalize and shove deep down don’t go away. When left untreated they grow. So that now instead of a small pain, it has grown… to an 8 pound tumor. It has ruined all chances of good feelings, reconciliation, friendship. All the things you wanted to hold so close to avoid pain.

So what I have come to realize is that every pain has a purpose. And I need to stop ignoring those pains. That doesn’t mean that at the first sign of trouble I should head for the hills. But on the big stuff, the things I shouldn’t compromise on, I need to heed that pain. I need to rip the band aid and feel all the feels because prolonging the inevitable doesn’t make it go away. It makes it grow.

Thanks to a recent (super awkward, but that is another story entirely!!) trip to the movies, I’ve decided that I need to be more intentional about who I put into my life. What purpose do they serve? I want to go out and intentionally seek friendships that allow me to grow and feel loved by amazing women. Women who see things the same as me and women who see things differently than me. Women that love Jesus, and their children, and their dogs, and their husbands (or some combination of any of those things). I want to find godly men to surround myself with that make me laugh. Men that are friends with no other expectations. People that love me for the strong person I am, but aren’t afraid to challenge me when I’m wrong.  I won’t be able to stop pain in the future, because let’s face it, my “picker of men” function won’t be magically cured overnight. So there will be more pain in the future. But my hope is that as I continue to be intentional about the type of people in my life, that I will trust them and grow as a person to recognize and admit those signs earlier.

And that’s the other thing. Admitting when I’m wrong is probably the thing in this life I am the least good at (Ask my mother…for real…she’s got some stories!). So admitting that I was wrong in picking a person that was supposed to be my person is not easy for me. So I think that sometimes I try to make things work so that I don’t have to admit to failing. (I legitimately can’t believe I actually just admitted that on paper.) Because let’s face it, 99% of all relationships don’t fail because of one person. Each person is at fault. So there is that, plus having to admit that I picked yet another thing that didn’t work out. Then in this town you have all the nay-sayers to begin with, so you want so badly for something to work just to prove them wrong. Because clearly that is the basis of a good relationship. Proving people wrong. No wonder I ended up with an 8 pound tumor…

I digress. Even with the pain, and the failures, and all of the things, I learn something each time. I realize things about myself that I don’t like when I look in the mirror. I’ve done a lot of growing over the past year. A lot. I’ve lost friends over it. I’ve had some come back. But what I have come to realize is that I still have so far to go. But I am on a path, to feel the pain, know it’s purpose, and be intentional about surrounding myself with the right people to help me do that. 

One last note... I'm also going to be more intentional about writing. Writing is so cathartic for me and has been a lot of how I uncovered these feelings above. So if you see me out and about, feel free to hold me to it. I promise not all of my stuff will have references to Gray's Anatomy =) 

What Gray’s Anatomy taught me about relationships…

Just rip the dress

In one of the earlier seasons of Gray’s Anatomy, Christina was going to marry to Preston Burke. And then she didn’t. He left her at the alter. And at the end of that episode there is a scene where Meredith cuts Christina out of her wedding dress as Christina sobs. You think it is because she feels so sad, but she mutters that she is relieved. I remember the first time (and all subsequent times) that I’ve seen that episode wondering how you get to a point of feeling so relieved that it is over. Why not just end it?

I ended something Saturday night. Something that has existed in my life as a relationship of some type or another since last June. It has taken many ups and downs and sideways turns, but at the root there was a lot of love. But underneath all of that was this truth that I was living the relationship that he wanted for us, not one I envisioned for myself. Although I’ve acknowledged that to friends and family over the past 15 months, there was always this fear that in addition to losing a relationship (and all of the feelings of failure that come with that), if I ended things I would also be losing a friend.

That last statement is SOOOO me. I’m a stayer! I stay way too long because I rationalize all of the things that make me unhappy in a relationship. And I think I do that because I often confuse that rationalization with compromise. We are supposed to compromise, right? That’s the basis of any good relationship is compromise. It’s Relationship 101. But all of us have (or should have) these sticking points. Things we aren’t willing to compromise on. I do, and at the beginning of every relationship I am so resolute in them. Then I fall in love and that resolution begins to fade into rationalization. “Well, I can do this because I love him and he loves me and it’s not like he explicitly asked me to do this, it’s just something I have to do if we want to be together…” When I say it like that I seem kind of like someone I would hate. One of those women who doesn’t have the guts to do what is right for herself. **Sigh**

BUT… this man had grown to become my person. We talked every day throughout most of the day. We shared in each other’s joys and successes and failures. And I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up.  I was scared. Because honestly what relationship doesn’t also end up with that person being one of your best friends? Losing your partner and your friend in one decision is SCARY! So I chose to compromise what I wanted on one end of the spectrum to get something I thought I needed on the other. And then came my moment.

Ok, I’m not actually sure it was just one moment. I think maybe it was several tiny moments. But if I’ve learned anything from Gray’s Anatomy it is that even the smallest bleeds can be catastrophic if not caught in time. I didn’t want to continue to put band aids on something that we both knew will never heal.

And I expected for it to wreck me. Don’t get me wrong, that night I called a friend and she listened while I cried. But the next morning I woke up expecting to feel that gut wrenching pain that comes with no longer getting to love someone, and I didn’t. The tears didn’t come. Instead I sat up and felt relief. Not relief in that this was a terrible relationship or that he was a bad person, but relief that I knew I no longer had to put what I wanted and needed aside for someone else. It was as if someone had cut me out of the dress and I could finally breath again.