I A'int Sayin' she's a gold digger...

So this happened earlier this week…

https://abc13.com/woman-wins-$150k-in-child-support-50-years-after-divorce/5216350/

And in case you didn’t read the article, a woman was awarded back child support plus interest nearly 50 years after the divorce. While some of you may think that the kid is all grown up now and that woman doesn’t need help supporting the kid, let me put a few things into perspective for you.

First of all, my ex doesn’t pay. I take that back… He sent $26 last year. Total for like the whole year. I used it to take my kids to 3^rd Realm during Spring Break and it didn’t even cover the one hour jump time fee, so… He has rarely ever paid and is currently over $17k behind in child support. So I have obviously adopted my budget to not include the money he should be paying me each month (which is laughable to begin with. Ok side note – when we got divorced he waited until a week after we got divorced to accept a job so the judge awarded him something called “imputed income”. Which basically means since he didn’t have a job they listed his income at the poverty level and set child support accordingly. It happens more than you would think and it is sickening. I was awarded $356 a month and at the time I had two children in daycare that cost me over $1700/month.) Ok, back to business.

And yes, I have an open case with child support enforcement. But the system is honestly not set up to benefit the person getting paid. Let me lay out this scenario. My ex husband does not pay child support. So child support sends a letter to the last known address asking him to confirm that he lives there. Now if he does the state has the ability to revoke his driver’s license, put him in jail, a whole host of super fun things. So let me tell you how often those letters get sent back confirming an address… To make matters more complicated, my ex husband doesn’t live in the state so our child support office is trying to work with another child support office to confirm that he even lives in that state before said letters can be sent. So in other words, I’m probably never going to see a dime because you can’t enforce what you can’t find. Unless he just happens to want to send them a check (see the $26 payment for all of 2018).

And his family is no help. I’ve reached out to them for help locating. Michigan child support has sent people to his sister’s house, where they deny knowing where he is. That part gets me a little ragey. I mean taking someone’s side in an argument is one thing. Protecting a dead beat dad from having to pay child support is quite another. As far as I am concerned if you choose to protect his whereabouts then you are taking sides against my kids. And that isn’t looked upon favorably in my house. Nope, nope, nope.

So the real effect of people not paying child support is that the burden lies solely on me. Think about how it would feel to go to work every day and know if you lost your job, you have lost the only income your family has to survive. It happened to me 18 months ago. I, along with 200 other people, got laid off with no severance in a phone call. It sent me into a tailspin that took months to recover from. It was one of the scariest times in my life. Luckily I had savings and was able to find a new position (that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE) relatively quickly, but it was at a 40% pay cut. 40% of our household salary was gone, so we learned to adjust.

What that meant for me is that I could no longer contribute monthly to my Roth IRA. I didn’t put anything into my 401k for an entire year. I no longer am able to contribute to my kids’ 529 college plans. Meaning that their dad’s willingness to not pay child support will follow my children well into adulthood. It also meant that I got a second job to pay for the things that my children love to do. I work 3-4 times a month slinging drinks at a local concert venue. And believe me, as much as I like working my real job for 9 hours to leave from there, not see my kids, and come home at midnight after standing on concrete making cocktails for another 7-8 hours, it’s not really what I set out to do in this life. Ubering drunk 20 somethings around on Saturday nights, also not my bag. But I do it because it isn’t the kids’ fault that their dad doesn’t pay. I will always do everything in my power to make sure not only that they don’t go without, but that their lives are never any worse for the wear because there is only one parent involved in raising them. Several of y’all have recently seen Amelia dance. She is a beautiful and award winning soloist who will not be doing a solo next year. She and I sat down last summer and had a long talk. I told her that I needed a year where I didn’t have to stress about how I was going to pay for dance. She was 7. No parent should ever have to have that conversation with their child, especially not a child that works as hard as she does. And the truth of the matter is that if her dad even paid for a few months, her dance for the year would be paid for. But sadly the $26 check he sent it just doesn’t do a lot of good.

And so money that I could be putting into retirement right now, or using to do home projects is all being spent on my kiddos. Not that I’m complaining. I love to watch them do what they do and I will continue to bust my butt to allow them to follow their dreams. But it means that for the next decade I don’t get to put as much into retirement as I’d like to. So yeah, that $150k judgement to that woman was well earned. For years she put her stuff on hold to be a good parent to her daughter. And I feel like if more men were made to pony up, then maybe the rest of us wouldn’t suffer as much. And I don’t want this to feel like a man-hater session. I know there are a lot of you out there that pay for your kids and do all of the things and make great dads! I also know a dad that was abused by the system for years and paid thousands of dollars in child support just so his ex-wife didn’t have to work. I’ve read the judgement – the judge used his child support like alimony. So I get that it goes both ways. But the negative light that is sometimes cast on single mothers about child support is unsettling. Guess what, if your kids are fed, clothed, and have a place to live, it’s not your business whether or not your baby mama wants to get her nails done. That isn’t “your” money. The state of Georgia takes all bills, including mortgage, utilities, etc and divides them by the total number of people in the house. So in our child support case the amount my children racked up in their tiny existences (ages 1 and 3) were 2/3 of my mortgage and all utilities. Not to mention I paid for all the healthcare, extracurriculars, groceries, etc. His child support, had he chosen to pay it, wouldn’t have even covered diapers. There are many women in the same boat. So if we want to go out and get our nails done, by God, that is our right. Not to mention that raising babies on your own is tough, and sometimes mama just needs a minute.

I guess what I’m trying to say is before you bash another single mama for the way she chooses to spend her child support, maybe take a second and think that you don’t know all the details. You don’t know that she’s leaving her children, working two jobs to make ends meet, etc. And just because I love the song, I’ll leave you with this… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY  Enjoy!

I Know Things Now

This year has been a weird year for me in terms of emotions when it comes to Braden. He’s in 5^th grade, which means he’ll go to middle school next year. I don’t feel at all prepared for that! Some days I think he’s ready to move out and get his own place. Other days I’m not certain he’ll be able to make it from math class to the lunch room by himself next year. And he turned 11 yesterday, which makes him an official pre-teen. I texted the following to my girlfriends yesterday evening “Day 1 assessment of having a pre-teen… they are sweet cherub faced little angels until Satan whispers into their ears because he has a direct line to their souls.” So that’s going well… All of their kids are younger so I needed them to know what they have to look forward to. Hehe (#sorryNotSorry)

And over the past 11 years I have focused so much on making Braden into a good human. You know, the kind that doesn’t grow up to demand gifts back from children during a break up (yes, that was Captain Jackass. No I did not return items he had gifted to my children because honestly who does that…??? That was a low blow even for him). The kind that doesn’t post passive aggressive memes about their exes on social media (you guessed it, Captain Jackass again. I imagine it wasn’t me he was referring to since I have taken pain staking steps to stay away from him. But who knows.  He’s a bit narcissistic and thinks everything is about him, so… He did contact me after the last blog via a video chat app. No clue what he said because I deleted the entire app shortly after I received the notification. I imagine he didn’t have nice things to say to me. But whoever is sending him the blog, keep it up. Knowing I am irritating him brings joy to my day. Is that a little juvenile of me? Probably. But look, Jesus and I just got on the same page about not hating him, so baby steps. And to reiterate my feelings on the subject, when you knowingly and willingly lie to my children thus causing them pain, you get what you deserve. Ok, now back to the originally scheduled programming…) The kind that grows up to be responsible, have a job, make a good living, gives back to the world he lives in. I want Braden to be kind and compassionate. I want him to be a good mate for someone someday. Obviously I want that for both of my kids, but Amelia’s birthday wasn’t yesterday, so it’s not her turn. ;)   

But I think sometimes we as parents get so focused on making sure our kids are equipped to be good humans, we forget to equip them to be adults. The kind that know how to make a bank deposit and stop a toilet from overflowing. Braden recently became a Boy Scout (what what!!), but before he did and got his super achiever badge in Cub Scouts. That means he earned every badge possible for a Webelos and Arrow of Light to earn in his last two years of scouts. One of those badges was a Mr. Fit It badge. It clued me in on just how far I had to go on teaching my kiddos the facts of life. So if you’re like me and may need a little reminder of things that your kids won’t just wake up and know how to do one day, I’ve listed some of the bigger ones below that stuck out to me.

1    1) Change a tire – I haven’t show Braden how to do this yet, but I’ll never forget the first time I changed a tire. It was the summer before I went to college. I was 18 and supposed to have lunch with my dad. I went out to the car and the tire was flat. I changed it and went to meet him. When I arrived late and told him why he asked how I had gotten there. I told him I’d put the donut on. He was astounded!! As in couldn’t believe I could change a tire. I informed him that there were instructions printed on the inside of the car and I just read them and changed the tire. To this day I’m not sure he believes me. But guys, at some point, teach your kid how to change a flat. Even in the age of AAA and cell phones one day they may end up down a dirt road with no service and nothing but their wits to go on. Don’t leave it to chance!

      2)  Y’all for the love of all  things please teach your children how to shut off an overflowing commode before the leave your house for good… I’m serious when I say this, I was on a trip with a house full of women once and one of them overflowed the toilet. I heard some commotion and came to check it out and water is pouring onto the bathroom floor and everyone is freaking out because there was “no man here to fix it.” Y’all!!! I waded through the toilet water in my bare feet to turn the water off. Seriously. I’m not even asking you to teach your kids how to use a plunger, but you should not make it into the real world without knowing how to stop toilet water from cascading onto your bathroom floor. While you’re at it watch a few YouTube videos and figure out how to do easy fixes to a toilet yourself. Say it with me – Youtube is my friend =)

      3) Change the battery in a smoke alarm. And not only that, to keep an extra pack of 9volt batteries around. Always! I taught Braden how to change the batteries earlier this year. He isn’t allowed to climb the ladder unsupervised, so it doesn’t really help me when the alarm starts chirping in the middle of the night, but one day his future roomates will thank me. And can I just reiterate to all the new mama’s out there – sleep training your children is so important! Mine have bedrooms on the opposite end of the house and their smoke alarm chirping wakes me up, but not them. Mine could probably sleep through a freight train. Just saying – sleep training infants is important for your sanity through the toddler years.

      5) I can’t even believe that I’m suggesting this, but teach your kiddos how to use the microwave. I’ve had kiddos over to my house that couldn’t. It perplexes me…A lot!

      6)  Change an air filter. Again, Braden is not allowed to be on the ladder by himself, but he now knows how to change and air filter. And how often (monthly for those of you who may still not have reached that level of maturity yet). My mother bought a house here a few years ago and I swear the air filter hadn’t been changed since the house was built. Don’t let this be the type of house your future grandchildren are raised in because you didn’t teach your kids the how and when =) Along the same vane, if you have a septic tank you might want to mention to your kids the whole RidX once a month thing. I had never heard of that until we had a septic tank once in Georgia. It could have ended very badly…

     7)  Back to the automobile, teach your kiddos how to check tire pressure and oil levels. Nothing earth shattering here, but car care is important for the long run of your vehicle. Also the whole  rotating tires every 5K miles thing. There are so many things that we take for granted that we just know, but someone at some point told us. Pass it on.

      8) Open your kid a savings account. Some banks have special accounts for kids under a certain age. Teach them to SAVE! But also, teach them to actually go into the bank and make a transaction. Mine both have savings accounts. I encourage them after birthdays and Christmas to deposit money into their savings accounts. Sometimes they need a little prodding as to the amount =) But they get excited knowing how much they have in their accounts. I make them go in, fill out the form, and do the transaction with the teller each time. I have also added a little incentive to make it worth their while. When each of them reaches $1000 in their accounts, I’ll add an extra $100 to it. To kids that’s like a million bucks!

      9) Laundry – Y’all I never did a single load of laundry until college. My college boyfriend found it supremely amusing that I got into Georgia Tech and did not know how to do laundry =) Show your kids. I promise if they are in school, they are big enough. At least to fold. Both of mine now do their own (time permitting).

      10) Other random house stuff – Teach them how to tighten a handle, check and flip a fuse, locate the fuse box, change a lightbulb. I know some of this sounds really crazy and common sense, especially the lightbulb thing, but y’all if you’ve never done it, you might not know. Plus some folks have a bigger bowl of common sense than others…

Feel free to add things you think the tiny humans should know before they are no longer tiny in the comments. I’m sure there are TONS I haven’t specifically thought of today. We are all in this together, creating a better world for our kiddos. So share all the things. And just because it is fun we are back this week with a new Broadway song (from Into the Woods – great show if you ever get the chance!!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsOv8OK2rE0

When it's ok to lose

So… Captain Jackass  saw the last blog (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2019/03/cant-stop-feeling.html) . Not that I was trying to hide it from him. I did in fact post it publicly to a blog on the internet. I am choosing to acknowledge that he saw it for two reasons. 1) The woman that pointed the blog out to him is a big ”women’s influencer” and “supporter of women”. I’ll just say this, walk the walk. Supporting women doesn’t mean being friendly to their face and then creating drama behind their backs. Let’s all just say “Go Girl Power” and truly support one another. Dealing with the male species is dramatic enough without intervention from womankind adding to the mix. The second reason I bring this up is because Captain Jackass has told me that I only write my blog to victimize myself and seek attention. While I easily see how my intent almost a decade ago when I decided to start writing a blog about my family could be misconstrued as an intent to seek attention... Oh wait, no I can’t. And if I don’t call myself a victim over being raped as a virgin at 16 (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2019/02/metoo.html)  or having my marriage ended in a SWAT team (https://adventuresinparenthood2.blogspot.com/2014/09/why-i-stayed.html) , then I certainly don’t consider myself a victim when a self-absorbed jackass lies to me and my children. Pissed off, yes. Victim, no.  To reiterate, I write this blog for me. And I share this blog in hopes that maybe someone who is going through something similar doesn’t feel so alone. Period. End of the story.

And speaking of narcissistic adults who lack the maturity to carry out functioning relationships of any kind (did I mention he knowing lied to my kids…which is very much perhaps why his own offspring doesn’t speak to him… (lightbulb!!)), on to the topic of discussion for today.

As a parent we have 18 very short years to teach our kids all the things. To do all of the things with our kids. To make sure they know how to tie their shoes, do laundry, balance a checkbook (ok that one is a stretch), pay bills, yadda, yadda, yadda. And somewhere in there we want to teach them to be compassionate people that are a light to shine unto others, etc, etc. Parenting seems daunting at times. But today I’d like to address one topic: creating losers. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHcVTbyJqis  - Song choice chosen for the title, but also touches a little on last week’s blog…)

Anyone that knows me knows that I’m a little competitive. And by a little I mean “full on, Type A, must win or die” competitive. I also LOVE seeing my kids win. In all the things. If there is a trophy for reading, by God let’s get it. Dance comp – yep. Play to be cast. We’re in. Let’s do all the things and do them well because winning feels good.

Until you realize that as a good parent, you need to root for your kids to lose every once in a while.

SAY WHAAAAATTTTT???

Yup! Y’all, this might be the biggest place I have experienced growth as a parent this year. Sometimes my kids need to lose. Yours, too! The entire world could stand to do a little more losing gracefully if you ask me, but I’m going to focus on the two little people who God has entrusted me to raise and y’all can have the rest of the world.

My kids are VERY different when it comes to their competitive nature. I have straight up watched Braden crest the last hill of a triathlon and see his bestie 50 feet in front of him. Braden (at the time) ran faster than this kid and could have beat him. Braden was too busy waving and enjoying the scenery to kick it into high gear. He didn’t care. Never bothered him. I do not understand not wanting to win. It’s not in my DNA. The only person Braden really cares to compete with is his little sister.  Amelia on the other hand is just like me. If she’s going to do it, she wants to be the best. I’ll never forget her first solo competition last year. She just knew she’d win first. And then she got second. And she was graceful on stage, but I could tell she was PISSED. Only because I’m her mom. Everyone else thought she was excited. But it was a good lesson for her. Things come easily to her and she is well liked by her teachers in school. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t work hard, but it has led her to believe in the past that she should win all the things. So that loss was a good opportunity for her to learn that she will not always be the best in the room. She spent the rest of that season knowing what it feels like coming out on top and also knowing what it feels like to get beat by your friends. 

Fast forward to November of last year. She stood on a stage, the top 3 for the title of Little Miss of America. The entire event is streaming live on the internet. And she came in second. Now there were other little girls that didn’t make it to that stage as a finalist who were inconsolable. My child stood up there and lost (lost as in didn’t come home with the title, I don’t want to insinuate I wasn’t and am not extremely proud of her accomplishment!)  in front of not only a room full of people, but people from across the pageant world watching on the internet. She lost with grace and backstage was the first to give Lauryn a big hug. When we got back to our room I could tell she was upset. I let her know that it was ok to be disappointed that she didn’t win. She sat on the couch and cried (for less than 2 minutes). I then told her that she needed to be so so proud of herself for getting top 2. 10 minutes later we were in the pool swimming with Lauryn. And I saw two little girls at the end of a long day. Not the new Little Miss of America and her runner up. I credit a lot of that to the conversations that she and I have often about doing her best and being proud of that. It also showed me that I had grown a lot because I was sitting right next to Lauryn’s mom talking about our girls. And old me wouldn’t have been able to do that. I would have been too busy sulking about my kid’s loss to enjoy the next moment.

That’s the thing is so often we imprint our expectations of what we want for our kids onto our kids. So that they want to win so badly to make us proud. Not for themselves, but because they think we might be disappointed if they don’t… Let that sink in. If you don’t believe me, ask your kid’s coach. They’ll tell you straight up that I’m right. So, before every competition Amelia and I have a talk. She knows that if she goes out and does her best, that’s all she can do. Her goal is to get the top bucket of scoring that is available to her for her skill level. If that means that she places first overall, great! We celebrate. If that means she gets a Diamond score, but still places out of the top 10, then she knows I will still be excited for her. Neither she nor I can help how the judges rank her on any given day. What she can control is the amount of work she puts in beforehand and what she does on that stage. After that on any given day it is anyone’s ballgame.

That isn’t to say that Amelia likes losing. My kid still cares about losing. But she does it in a way that is respectful and graceful. She will be the first one out of the gate to hug your neck if you come out on top that day. If she’s disappointed, you won’t see it on a stage. There are no fits or Dance Moms like outbursts with anyone storming off stage. And at the end of the day, she will be a better human for it.

So I’ve had to alter how I approach every competition, be it in dance, a pageant, or whatever. She knows that no matter what as long as she works hard and tries her hardest, that I will be proud of her. She knows that not being first isn’t the end of the world. In 30 years when my daughter’s daughter asks her about which dance competitions she won and lost, she won’t be able to tell her. I can say this with a fair amount of certainty because Amelia and I had a similar conversation last week. What she will remember is growing up on a team full of her best friends and that dance was one of her favorite places to be with her favorite people. And that after every single awards ceremony her mom picked her up, spun her around, and told her she was proud of what she did on the stage. Every. Single. Time.

But even more importantly than that, kids that don’t learn to lose with grace, won’t grow up to be adults that can handle the real world. Because guess what, the real world is not full of trophies for everyone and people that understand crying over spilled milk. The real world is about doing your best and sometimes still not coming out on top. It is what you do with those moments that show your character. Life is honestly one continuous competition season. You work hard, do your best, and sometimes you end up on top. Sometimes you don’t and you don’t agree with the people judging you. And sometimes there are actually folks in this world better than you. We have to teach our children how to handle that because you don’t just magically wake up one day and flip the grown up switch. It is the little things we do, like teaching our kids to be ok if their name isn’t called last, that inch them toward being functioning and respectful adults each and every day. So as hard as it is, I’ve had to learn to embrace losing just as much as I embrace winning. And don’t think that Amelia is perfect at this just yet. There are still times on stage that I can see that terse smile underneath the stage smile when she isn’t on top. As long as I’m the only one to see it, then she and I are still headed in the right direction =)  

Can't Stop the Feeling...

Before I begin, Newsies in Argenta was great! I continue to be impressed by the dedication and level of talent in the theaters around us. I believe most of the shows are sold out, but if you’re in the area do yourself a favor and try to see it! Also eat at Capeo beforehand and order the tomatillo martini and the saffron dessert. You’re welcome!

Second, this week I have a song, but not from Broadway. This song is in honor of Miss Amelia. She loves her some JT, even more after the concert in January. I will always love this song because before I came to work at Riggs I walked my kids to school every morning. When this song came out we’d listen to it on our walk. We’d often gather other children on our walk so by the time we got to the crosswalk I was like the Pied Piper and this song was our anthem. So, enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru0K8uYEZWw

So to move into what I’m actually want to talk about this week requires me to address why all of this started. I have always found writing cathartic. I am able to say things on paper that I am never able to articulate with my spoken voice. It helps me process things, so I started writing. Way back before I got married I wrote a funny piece about how my past relationships were like baseball players. I really wish I could find it now because it was spot on! Anyway, I published it because I thought it was funny. I got a great response. I wrote off and on for years after that. Fast forward to tiny human #2 emergence into the world and I wanted to document what it was like to be a parent of 2 kids. Mostly because at the time it all felt so foreign and different than only having 1 kid. So I started this blog. Then life exploded and the blog was put on hold. During that time I was in therapy trying to deal with the whole “a swat team ended my marriage” situation and my therapist had me write a letter to my (now ex) husband and to my father (we were going through some stuff). When he read the one to my dad my therapist legit looked at me and said “you can’t move back to Arkansas because clearly there are some things we need to discuss.” He was joking of course and obviously I moved back, but writing down all of the things I needed to say to my father helped me process, even though I never said them to him.

As life allowed over the next several years I wrote. I talked about my kiddos and had I think 4 people that followed the blog. Then as I became more comfortable being a survivor of domestic violence I began to use this blog and social media as a platform to share my story. And every single time I posted that blog I got feedback from women who had also been in abusive relationships I could feel their pain and relief at knowing that they finally could share their pain. And at that moment I realized I wasn’t writing just for me anymore. So I continued to write. Not all of the topics were heavy. Some were just talking through my life, my decisions, my relationships, just my life. Some were bombshell kind of stories like the #metoo piece I wrote last month. Which coincidentally a national women’s group that I love and respect reached out to me earlier this week and asked to highlight my story on their social media. I was scared to put that story out there to others, but also very humbled at the thought that my story could bring comfort to even more women.

I am saying all of this because what I am about to write is not an easy admission for me. It shows a side of me I wish didn’t exist, but I am hoping perhaps in writing about it that I begin to own the feelings and move on… So here goes.

Recently someone hurt me. Not in the “marriage ends in a SWAT team kind of way”, but the “lied to you and hurt your heart” kind of way.  They hurt my family. Turns out they did it intentionally. Someone lied to my kids and I for their own pleasure. And I am angry about it. I would say irrationally angry, but as mama bear I don’t think being angry because someone intentionally messed with my family is all that irrational. The angry part I get, but I honestly feel like I hate this person. And that is something I am not sure I have ever experienced before.

And what is worse is I don’t know how to stop it. I’ve tried praying about it. Like a lot. It’s the first thing I pray in the mornings. Dear Lord – please give me the strength to not have hate in my heart today. And at night. Dear Lord – please make tomorrow the day that hate is not in my heart. And it is a very earnest prayer. Because I don’t like feeling like this.

I’ve tried talking it out. A friend who I consider to be probably the most level headed of my friends pointed out that they  say that the feelings of love and hate come from the same place. And that resonated with me Because it is true. It was like the moment the realization of the hurt that this person had intentionally caused my children came down on me, all the love in my heart went away. And there was a lot there. So it makes sense that it would be replaced by just as intense level of hatred.

I think part of why I feel this way is because there is no remorse. This person obviously thinks that lying to my children and screwing with my family is an ok thing to do, which just makes me angry all over again. Like I am sitting here typing that sentence and my ears got hot. I just don’t understand how someone that can classify themselves as a member of the human race would set out to intentionally hurt anyway, let alone children. But I had lunch with another friend today who said something so simple that it seems too easy.

“Just forgive him.” I opened my mouth for a rebuttal and she shook her head and said “I know, forgive him anyway.” Wow. Like all of the emotions are coming out in the form of leaking from my eyeballs right now. Three simple words. Just forgive him. I want to so much. Man I want to. I think there is a tiny part of me that is afraid that if I stop hating him it might be replaced by the pain I’ve yet to feel over the situation. There is a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to forgive him because he took things from me that I will never get back.

But hating someone doesn’t go away like pain does. They say time heals all wounds, but not hate. I think hate is something you have to actively decide not to do. So time will never heal that wound. I truly hope that I can forgive him for me. Lord knows he doesn’t deserve it, but I do. I deserve to have peace surrounding that particular part of my life and I don’t have it now.

I hope that maybe one of you reading this has the magical answer. That I can go to bed tonight and know with certainty that I’ll wake up tomorrow and this tiny part of my heart won’t be black anymore.

So to wrap up, it’s been a mixed bag kind of week. Super great things at work, hating someone and admitting it to the world in hopes that I will no longer feel hate. #nobodydied is all I can say…