Seize the Day

I had so much fun tying my blog to show tunes last week that I thought I’d do it again this week. So, in honor of the opening week of Newsies in Argenta here you go: https://youtu.be/sMi8pjRg6YY. Break legs to all of our friends. I’m so excited!!! As a side note, the Dance Machine (my competitive team growing up) did a production number to Newsies growing up and I honestly haven’t thought about it much since then. Until September when we saw it at the Royal and it has quickly climbed to my second favorite show after Wicked (by a very small margin). Side note number two… anyone that says musicals are not like real life because “when do real people randomly break out into song during the course of their day” clearly have never run into our family. At least once a day one of us randomly breaks out into song during the course of our normal affairs. Let’s be honest – it’s normally me and the children follow suit if they’re around. I do giggle though when we turn on the Wicked soundtrack. Everyone has their favorites and we will straight up be driving down the road belting out Broadway show tunes at the top of our lungs. And sometimes I might break out into a British accent when delivering instructions around the house (or at work). Sometimes it might be around their friends. But why not… life is short!

But again I digress. I honestly sidelined the blog I planned to write today until next time because I really wanted to squeeze in that shout-out to our Newsies crew, but this one is no less relatable to this stage in life.

If I had a dollar for every time someone commented on how busy I am or asked when I sleep I’d be able to, well I don’t know. But I’d be able to do something. The point is, people think I’m busy. My boss calls me “High Octane” and tells folks that I “Operate at a different level.” The funny thing is, this is my normal, so it doesn’t feel out of the ordinary for me, or our family.

Do we go a lot? Yes. But I like going. I think I always have. For real, look in my high school yearbook and my activities are 4 or 5 lines long. I was president of every club, did a few sports, well, you get the picture. When someone usually asks how I do it all my reply is “I don’t sleep.” Which isn’t a super big stretch, but not entirely the whole truth =)

I really do seem to require less sleep for long periods of time than other people I know. When I’m in a relationship or actively dating I typically average 5-6 hours of sleep a night. That’s because that time from 9-midnight is usually when I’m able to fit in my personal life. Wake up at 6am, work by 7am, tiny human carting around 430-8pm, personal time 9-??? And I typically carry that on for 3-4 weeks before I need a reboot. I take a weekend and do nothing. We veg. It’s glorious! But by Sunday around 2pm I’m bored and ready to go again. I don’t relax very well =)

But there is still a lot that happens during that 430-midnight time to accomplish what needs to be done at our house, and I’m willing to share a few of our secrets.

1)     Hire help!!!

For real! I used to think it felt uppity to hire someone to do something that I’m capable of doing. Turns out that’s actually a great form of self care. I hate yard work. Like despise it because like laundry, it seems futile. So, when we first moved here from Georgia I hired a yard guy. He makes sure my yard looks pretty and instead of spending money on manicures I spend it on the satisfaction of knowing I don’t have to mow my own yard. One less thing I have to squeeze in.  He is also a fireman and I might have posted up in a lawn chair with a beer the first time he came. I make no apologies =) Last year I also hired someone to come clean the house once a month. It helps with that stuff I just don’t have time or energy to get to and now I don’t have to feel guilty about it!

2)     Multitask

a.      When I get ready for bed each night I try to think about what we have going on the next day and when I might be able to accomplish something on the to do list. So when Braden is at dance class I might be sewing talent show costumes or rhinestoning costumes or putting together a slideshow. Very rarely do I ever just sit and watch tv. I’m normally trying to get something done while I’m watching the newest episode of my favorite show. For really busy weeks I will run errands on my lunch hour. I use online grocery pick up when I need to.

3)     Charge your kids rent…

a.      This one might ruffle a few feathers… Your children are not helpless. Ok, some of the really tiny humans are, but my kiddos were helping empty the dishwasher as early as 3-4 years old. Now, they do that plus their own laundry, emptying trash, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, yardwork, etc. They have assigned chores that are always there, but at times when life is running in the super fast lane they are charged to jump in and help. And guess what, that’s ok! You are not only teaching them to be respectful, you are also freeing up valuable time. I’ve even started charging mine when I find dirty clothes left on the bathroom floor. They’ll learn real quick, or I’ll have a new mani/pedi fund started. Either way it’s a win for me.

4)     Unapologetically do things for you

a.      This is important. At least for me because this gives me the umpf on hard days to get to bedtime. In a world where we are in constant motion and most of us double as uber drivers for our kids in the evenings, it is so important to seek happiness outside of that. Something that is just for you. And if you’re in a relationship, something just for “us”. I will sacrifice sleep in order to take a long bath some days. And date night is a must in my house. I’ve found that when I become complacent about making time just for us, it tends to fall apart. But the same goes for doing things just for me. I am a much better mom/friend/employee/family member, etc when I don’t feel like all I do is stuff for other people.

5)     Make time to give back

a.      I know this also sounds crazy. You are reading this to see my tricks of the trade for making time for it all, and I’m telling you to add more stuff. Yes and No. But mainly yes. This is along the same vane as #4 above. Doing things for others will recharge your soul. I’m serious. Make a point once a month to put it on your schedule to do something for someone else. Maybe it is a non-profit that shares one of your passions. Maybe you make a meal for a friend having a tough time. Plus you can get your family involved in said giving back event, so that counts as family time (now we’re multitasking!). In a world that becomes more selfish by the day, teaching our kids that they are not the center of it is never a bad thing.

6)     Schedule/Post Its/Lists

a.      I have just in the past 6 months started truly embracing the digital schedule. I’ve always been a paper calendar kind of girl. But when all the kids go all the places and do all the things, paper just didn’t cut it anymore. I still have my paper calendar to keep up with birthdays. (Side note –I do that because I can look each week to see who has a birthday. I am a big believer in birthday cards and personal texts on your birthday. So if you don’t currently get a bday card from me and would like to (please note I’m not tooting my horn like how great would it be to get a birthday card from MEEEEEE, more like a birthday card from anyone is exciting to get because any mail that isn’t a bill is exciting as an adult, and I just happen to be the one offering to send said card) feel free to message me your birthday and address and I’ll add you to my list).

But my calendar is my lifeline when stuff hits the fan. This week is kind of crazy because I might have asked to chair Braden’s last cub scout banquet the same day as a dance comp so now I’m trying to make 150 servings of baked chicken alfredo and spray tan a kid at the same night and make sure all the food is bought and the decorations are ready (thanks Sharon!!) and the shoes make it to the dance bag. So it’s a little busy. Oh yeah, and I need an oil change. Like bad. My car keeps yelling at me. But instead of panicking, I just keep adding stuff to my schedule. Today at lunch, Jiffy Lube. Friday at lunch, Sams. I have a list on my nightstand that outlines all the little stuff I need to accomplish this week and what day I think they need to be accomplished on. Because on weeks like this if I don’t have a plan, I tend to spiral. When you spiral at 90 miles an hour bad things happen. So have a plan and work your plan.

7)     #NobodyDied

a.      And finally, give yourself a break. Unless you’re in the medical field, typically no one will die if you don’t accomplish all the things you get out to accomplish for a given day. Remember that list on my nightstand. There are things on that list unchecked from Wednesday. Of last week… And guess one. No one loves me less, nobody died. The world continues to spin on its axis. Some days I just can’t anymore. That’s ok. Some days one of my kids just wants to snuggle and tell ridiculous jokes for an hour. Great. Do it. I promise, it will all be there tomorrow. The laundry, the dishes, the talent show costumes. I’ve lived 38 years now and very rarely has anyone broken into my house and done all the things I left undone from the day before.

8)     Do what you say             

a.      The last thing I’ll share is to me one of the most important. If you say you’ll do something, Do It. Commitments are not something taken lightly at my house so if I tell you I’ll do something, I do it. Sometimes that does come at the expense of sleep  and rest, but I just don’t ever want to be one of those people that is considered unreliable. So when it gets hard, that’s what I fall back on. I made a commitment that I’m going to see through. After all, what am I teaching my kids if I don’t keep my word to others. And to myself honestly. This has also taught me the beauty of the word no. Because sometimes I do overextend myself, but I won’t quit. So No has become a much needed and loved word in my vocabulary.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If you are unlike me and need something to do this weekend I would highly recommend checking out Newsies at the Argenta theater. They open this weekend and the cast is fabulously talented! And be sure to check back next time. I’ll be discussing anger. Yep – it’s going to get uncomfortable (at least for me!).

What is this Feeling?

Ok, before we get started, if that title didn’t make you sing just a little bit of my favorite song from Wicked, I’m going to need you to back up and try again. And for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about , https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dk3H2yvsH-U, You’re welcome! And if you listen to it and don’t want to quit your job and join a traveling Broadway show, I’m not sure we can be friends anymore… 😉

Ok, now that we’ve got that out of the way, have you noticed this is the month of love? I’ve never been all in on the idea that forces me to celebrate my love for someone on a given day or month. I’m more of a “spoil you all the time” kind of gal. But I do kind of love the 90% Valentine’s day candy at Kroger right now…

I digress. Since love has been thrown in our faces all month long, it has caused me to revisit a recent conversation I had with someone of the male persuasion. I said something to the effect of “When I’m in a relationship I make a choice every day to get up and love that person.” His response “If you have to choose to love someone, then it’s not worth it.”  WHHAATTTT??? Pardon me while I pick my jaw up off the ground… Do adults really think this way? And then as I began to think more and more about this two sentence exchange I began to wonder… Is this what is wrong with our world? Why the divorce rates are steadily climbing? Why a husband feels ok about abandoning his wife and kids for no good reason? Or why a wife checks out once the kids are grown?

Ok, let’s back up. First of all, that feeling you feel? You know the one. The one that is all tingly and warm and exciting? The one you get when you first start dating? Or first fall in love? The one that was a constant state of euphoria when you were a teenager? That’s not love. That is a chemical reaction from your body called adrenaline. When you get all dopey your body releases cortisol and adrenaline and makes you feel all special inside. That particular effect tends to wear off somewhere between months 12-18. So then you’re left with what??? A choice…

The bible says “Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13 vs 4-8)

Do I fail every person I love every day? You betcha. Do they fail me? Yup! But that’s the cool thing about this choice situation. You see, there are exactly two people on the face of the planet that I will love unconditionally until the day I die. Two people that I will never have to choose to love. The two people that my body made. They get a free pass. Everyone else, family, friend, signification other, public enemy #1, that’s right. I have to make a choice to get up and love you. Every. Single. Day.

Because let’s pretend you do all the cool stuff that 1^st Corinthians says every day. You are patient and kind and not proud. Ok. But what if when you do those things you wear a t-shirt that is a size too small and your belly pokes out of the bottom and I think it is ridiculous and annoying? Or what if you go through your days not being easily angered, but every time I try to tell you a story your face is so far into your phone checking your social media, that I might as well not be in the room. Or, what if you in fact do rejoice in the truth, but you intentionally forget my birthday every year. For 20 years because you know it irritates me. (STUART!!) And I am well aware of the fact that I have stuff that I’m sure irritates people. I’m quirky and moody, but I’m constantly pushing myself to do better. (Note this is not an open invitation to list all of the things you think are wrong with me in the comments… lol)

Does that mean I give up and walk away? That I don’t love you anymore? Not for me. Does it mean that you fail me and do super annoying things that I don’t like? Yep. Therein lies the choice.

I clearly do not make all the right choices when it comes to who I love and who I allow in my life. I’m not sure any of us do. But one thing I’ve learned as an adult is that I have to be more intentional about who I allow in my life. Who I love. Who I allow to love me. Who I allow to love my kids.

While I’m still a work in progress, there are things that I do look at when I’m trying to determine if the choice is still the right one for me to wake up each day and love someone. Be it a friend, family, or signification other.

1)   Does this person help me to be my best self?

What does that mean? I want people in my life that are good people. That have good morals. Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal. I want Christians so that when the tough stuff comes around I can ask them for advice and prayers.

2)     Does this person push me?

While I think it is important to have people in your life that have interests that are similar to yours, I think it is extremely important to be around people who push you out of your comfort zone. Until 5 years ago I had never stepped foot inside a tent or a canoe. Now we own 2 tents and 3 kayaks. I would have never know that I love to camp if I had just hung out with people who like the same things as me.

        3) Are we moving in the same direction?

I’m not saying that every person in your life has to want a house, 2.5 kids, a white picket fence and a dog if that’s what you want. But your best people, the people that you love, should want the same things as you. I’m not saying that just because a person doesn’t have kids and you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t be besties (heeey Daniela!). I’m saying that there has to be commonality in goals. If your bestie stays up partying every night because they are wild and free and you go to be at 830 because you work all day, then maybe it is time to examine that choice. Maybe not. Choices abound. 

Making a choice to love someone is hard. All the days it is hard. I’ve lost people because at the time they were no longer worth the fight. I’m talking even family because they don’t meet one of the three criteria above. It doesn’t mean I hate them, it just means I don’t choose to love them anymore. I’ve had friends that I have chosen to not have in my life anymore because at the time maybe we weren’t helping each other to be our best selves. But when you make that choice for the right reasons, man does it ever pay off? The people in my life are empowering and push me to do things I’m not always sure are possible. That’s what happens when you wake up and choose to love people.

What I just can’t get past, is are there really adults that think that we wake up every day thinking that love is a warm and fuzzy feeling? That if someone does something that annoys you you shouldn’t love them? I pity those people, as they will never get to experience the deep, rich kind of love that comes with choosing to look past the faults and annoying things about a person and loving them for the good they do. Loving them for who they are to the world and who they are to you. Maybe if we all chose to do that a little more often, this world would be a better place. I encourage you today to truly examine those most special relationships in your life. Are you loving someone by choice are by cortisol?

And since we started with show tunes, let’s end with a show tune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZN8-N-cqkUo

#metoo

Over the past year as the #MeToo movement has emerged to become a conversation, I’ve been very conflicted about how I’ve felt on the subject. The situation with people like Brett Kavanaugh and now the VA Lt. Governor aren’t helping the matter. The question of should a woman who has been sexually assaulted feel comfortable coming forward has never been an issue for me. But the timing and severity of some accusations have left me wondering where it stops. Does an accuser always deserve the benefit of the doubt? Should a person’s life be ruined because he played a little “grab ass” 25 years ago in college?

Let me rewind to the background to give you a basis for my conflict. In high school I was the definition of a goodie two shoes. (Those of you that have only known me post-high school pick yourselves up off the floor - I have witnesses!) I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke, and even though I had a steady boyfriend, I didn’t have sex. Even though I was in a committed relationship of several years and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this boy loved me, sex was not something I wanted to enter into the equation. Lucky for me, neither did he. About the worst thing I ever did in high school was go out with friends to watch other people doing “bad stuff”. I was a virgin and proud of it. 

Until one night in the summer of 1997. I was 16. And I was out with some friends and some older boys I didn’t know. And one of them put his hands around my throat and held me down in the back of a pickup truck and took my virginity. I remember screaming, but no one could hear. And I remember tears sliding down my cheeks because I knew in that moment I was losing something I would never get back. I remember praying for it to end. And I remember most of all feeling ashamed. And dirty.

I came home that night and showered and immediately went to bed. I didn’t tell my parents because this world that we live in had conditioned me to think that rape doesn’t happen to “people like us.” My dad was a prominent businessman and what would his clients think. I was a straight A student at the top of my class, and what would my teachers think? Would anyone believe me? The idea of having to tell my parents, let alone the police, was overwhelming. And embarrassing. And what if I told someone and they didn’t believe me? Or worse, what if it went to trial and I was put on the stand and they blamed me? After all, what was I doing with those boys in the first place? So I kept it a secret. Which was awful because I had the kind of loving and supportive relationship with my mom where we shared everything. She would have believed me, but she couldn’t control the world... 

Almost every single night in the beginning I had nightmares. I couldn’t close my eyes without feeling his hands around my neck. Without seeing the pleasure in his eyes, knowing he had taken something from me that I could never get back. The shame followed me everywhere I went until it was almost unbearable. 

A year later I wrote a letter to my boyfriend that was never sent. I vaguely made reference to the event. A few weeks later my mom found the letter. I remember being at a friend’s house and getting a call to come home. I drove home, almost sick, because I knew that the truth was finally unavoidable. I told her and we cried. I begged her not to tell my father, but of course you can’t keep something like that from a parent. As a parent now myself I can’t imagine the pain they must have felt knowing what had happened.

The next day mom took me to get tested for HIV and a myriad of other STDs. It was one of the most degrading moments of my life. Because it made that feeling of being dirty come back all over again. And though I had begun to heal, the wounds were all ripped back open. For years I struggled with nightmares and a lot of anger and shame over being the victim of rape. Over someone else taking my virginity. But after almost 21 years and a good therapist in Atlanta, I finally own my feelings about it. There are still moments where it comes flooding back, seeing the same car he drove, watching certain scenes in a movie, it really isn’t a feeling I can control. But those moments have become much fewer and far between. Something terrible happened to me, something unforgivable, but I will no longer allow myself to fall victim to what that man did to me. To what that man took from me. 

But now here we are, in the middle of a polarized society, where everyone feels it is their right to judge the actions of total and complete strangers. And I can’t help but wonder, what effect does it have on our daughters when the news media accuses the women of lying? Or our government officials? I’m not saying these women are telling the truth or not. But when congressmen berate women that have accused someone of sexual assault and it is covered on national tv, what affect does that have on our children? What kind of society is it creating for them to want to tell the truth in the future? Or maybe you have had discussions with your husband or wife about these women. Did your child overhear it? Are you teaching her or her friends that women who come forward about rape, even 20 years later are liars? That is me, right now. No I am not naming him, but this is the first time I have publically shared this information. 21 years later.  Are we as the adults of this society perpetuating a view where we see “these women” as the kind of victims that we pity, but if they had made better decisions maybe it wouldn’t have happened? I’m not saying that all of these women have been truthful, and if they haven’t been, shame on them. Peoples lives have been ruined on both sides of the table. 

Regardless, this is one of the hardest things I have ever put into writing. But I did it for several reasons. I have felt a tug on my heart for several months now to make what happened to me all those years ago matter. To me, this is how it happens. By sharing my story. By maybe changing the face of the conversations happening around me. Or by helping someone else to know they are not alone. That first year after my rape was the most alone I’ve ever felt. And I didn’t have to be. I had two parents that loved me and would have gotten me the help I needed much sooner had I felt ok enough to tell them. If that is you, my door is always open. We can laugh, or cry, or punch the couch pillows until we feel better.  Or maybe it is that someone that sees this will get help. For a long time I fought the idea of therapy. Therapy was for the weak and I had to prove that I was strong enough to overcome this on my own. That decision almost ended me. If you walk away from this point with anything, I hope it is a new understanding that the statistics on sexual assault do not lie. There are probably women who you see every day that have been raped or assaulted. Be the kind of person that makes them feel ok in whatever leg of the journey they are in. I promise our world will be a better place for it.