Kicking Cans and Raising Dragons

Ok… taking a week off from talking about being intentional (notice I did not say taking a week off from actually being intentional!) Although before I do I’ll report in on how my whole “eat fruit with every meal” goal is going. Monday – check. All the fruit, all the meals. Tuesday… depends. Does apple pie count as fruit? Sheepish would be how I feel about Tuesday. We had sales training which means catered lunch and I had a NAJA (yes I know I thought I was on break, too) thing out of town which just in general means food that does not include fruit. Plus we ran out of fruit at my house. Like all of it. Fresh fruit, canned fruit, fruit cups, fruit bars (which is not really fruit), yogurt (see previous parentheses). ALL OF IT. But I have now solved that over lunch hour on Wednesday (how is it only WEDNESDAY!!!). So back on track.

I digress. So, I’m taking a week off this week because I want to see if anyone else is every derailed by a single conversation? A single person? A single moment? Y’all the last half of my last week was legitimately hijacked by a singular person/event. And try as I might, I could not get past it.

To the point where I’m saying to people “I know this sounds petty, but…” Like a lot. To everyone. I mean we are talking firstest of the first world problems here. Ugh. But nonetheless, this singular event just bugged me last week. A LOT (did I mention it bothered me?) To the point where I was losing sleep. And in the event that I did actually fall asleep I woke up irritated and thinking about this.  And what I would do to right the injustice and how I would fight the system. Only to realize over and over again that IT JUST DIDN’T MATTER.

But I still let it consume me. Like I would say to myself “Lauren, we are better than this, move on.” And I would until I thought about it again. And then I’d be angry all over again. I’m talking raise a dragon to lay waste to the land sort of angry. And for what?

Now I will say that for the first time in the ever of evers for me I wrote an email and DID NOT send it. I told myself to wait 24 hours. Turns out I didn’t need it. 6 hours in I realized that email did not ever need to see the light of day. Nothing in the email was incorrect or unprofessional (think more terse with an overwhelming angry undertone), it is just that sending it would accomplish nothing. 6 hours in I also realized I was being petty, but couldn’t shake the angry feeling.

So have you ever been through that? How do you deal with it? I had lots of long talks with myself. I prayed for this person, even though I didn’t want to. I went all Rachel Hollis (hey girl hey) and tried to find commonality with the person at the root of my event. I did all of those things and still ended up angry. Like angry enough to pull all of my future planned monetary and time donations from the organization at the center of the derailment. Why? Because I felt slighted? Because I wasn’t treated right? How many times do I roll my eyes and tell my children that life is not fair? Yet I allow this perceived unfairness to literally consume me for 5 days? What is that?

For the record, I’ve calmed down. Some. I’m still pissy about the entire situation, but more of an “I’ll kick your trashcan over” kind of angry than the fiery dragon kind of angry from before. I think at the root of the situation it is because I feel like I’m right about things (and truth be told, I probably am), but back to what I tell my kids, so what!! So what that you’re right. It doesn’t change what happened. And by allowing yourself to be angry about it for more than 60 minutes, you’re letting this person and this situation win over and over and over again.

So truly I ask, if you are one of the people in this world that gets bogged down in the petty nonsense and you have brains enough to see that, how do you get unstuck?

Tiny Purple Devil Fruit

This week is going to be full of some not nice feelings for me. And some irony. Because as I sit here writing about being intentional about what I put in my body my mouth is full and I just took a swig of Coke Zero to wash down the previous bite of breakfast…

So here it is. Week 5 – aka being intentional about my body – aka the talk I have with myself EVERY. SINGLE. MONDAY.

Let’s set the stage. I am not one of those women who fell into weight struggles later in life because babies and college and whatever. I have struggled with weight as long as I can remember. I was one of the most active kids you ever met and I looked at a Cheeto and gained 5 pounds. So I am no stranger to dieting and exercise.

I have actually been quite successful at it at times during my life. Those times were before I got home from work/kids at 9pm every night too exhausted to do anything but drool on myself. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be successful. Every Monday, pretty much without fail I set out to be better. And typically by dinner that night I’ve fallen off the wagon. By Tuesday I have pushed the wagon down the hill after setting it on fire.

And why is that? I can wake up after failing my kids or failing at work or failing with friends and go about being better the next day. But something about THIS aspect is an all or nothing thing for me. “Well, I didn’t exercise today so I guess I’ll wait to start until next Monday.” That was January. Sigh. Or “Well, I didn’t eat well yesterday so I might as well eat nachos for breakfast” ß That was literally my thought process last Friday. In my defense they were leftovers and I didn’t have time for my traditional egg breakfast (hello, rationalize much??).

And I know me. I know I can’t do all the things all at once. Because there are A LOT of habits I’d like to change about my body. I can’t quit carbs, and Coke Zeros, and alcohol, and create a gym regimen all in the same week. So I try to start small.

Last week I determined that this week was the week I ate better. In order to do that I HAVE to meal prep. Have to. So I bought all the things to make that happen. Including an eggplant. Now, I like eggplant. I’ve cooked it several times before. This eggplant came with some sort of mental block. Like it sat on my counter for 5 days. And when I’d pass by it I would think mean things about it. “You are not nachos. You sit there and think about what you’ve become.”  or "You are a tiny purple fruit made by the devil." I finally cooked it because I really can’t stand to waste food and now those bad feelings are carrying over into the eating of the eggplant. But I ate it. Yesterday for lunch I had the weirdest combination of food you’ll probably ever have (think eggplant balsamic thing covered in alfredo sauce and red pepper wrapped in a tortilla and covered in Frank’s hot sauce. I told you it was weird!) And last night, because I had failed to plan, I had Burger King.

But I will say that maybe I am making baby steps. Because instead of feeling defeated this morning I packed my breakfast of a duck egg and some watermelon and am happily consuming as I write this.

So this week in terms of being intentional about my life, I haven’t mapped out a game plan. I am still trying to find the one that fits with our lifestyle and schedule and that I can honestly stick to. Because I really do feel better when I put the good things in my body, but short of hiring a personal chef, it isn’t going to be easy. I think for me small changes are the way to go. Maybe one new one per week. So for next week I shall add fruit to every meal. I like fruit and as long as I can get to the store to buy it I’ll be fine. Week 1 goal in the bag.  And no fast food. Fruit and no fast food. I’m already feeling like next week may be the week…

Report Card

Ok, so this is blog #4 since my whole “my goal is to be intentional in all the things”, so I thought it was a good time to touch base.

So right off the bat, I’m going to admit a failure. My goal had been to be intentional about writing. In order to do that I set a goal of writing once per week for 52 weeks. I made it three weeks. Technically less than that, because I didn’t set the goal before I began. Last week was a short week at work, coming off a mini vacation, and I had a huge project due on Friday. That last sentence seems like an excuse, or a rationalization even. But it wasn’t. It was the reason. And knowing the difference between a reason and an excuse I think can help me be more successful in the long run. I felt myself starting to get stressed last week about finding the time to write a blog. But a) when I’m stressed the creativity doesn’t exactly flow, so I didn’t even have an idea and b) if writing is cathartic, then why am I allowing it to stress me out.

So guess what… I gave myself a break. A hall pass. A get over it and don’t feel guilty card. And guess what, I did. It’s such a slippery slope when you are the one holding yourself accountable to things because one week turns into 3 that turn into a lifetime of never achieving what you wanted. But at the same time a reason for missing a goal can absolutely be a good one and sometimes you have to cut yourself some slack. So I did. And guess what, I’m back at it this week =)

So, intentional item #1, working through a failure. Item #2 – be intentional about who I put in my life. Well, I’m pleased to say this is going well on my end (I’ll circle back to an observation later). The first path to success for me on this was looking around and deciding who I want in my life. Do I take the vacation with the drinking buddy (not that having those is a bad thing) or the godly woman from church that I admire?  Do I jump back into the dating pool even though it seems to get shallower ever time I visit? Do I call up old friends that I may have lost touch with because life gets busy and I’m not always the friend I should be?

So once I was able to define what that looked like for me, the path got easier. Notice I did not say easy. Being intentional about who you put in your life requires effort. Every day. I try every single day to reach out to someone that I consider a friend that I may not have spoken to in a while. It might be a text just to say they’ve been on my mind. Sometimes those go unanswered. But it is me making an effort. When I know my friends are going through something difficult, I reach out. And not just once, over and over so they know they aren’t alone. And I pray for them, often. But that still didn’t necessarily put the right people in my life.

So I’ve become intentional about creating meaningful relationships with other women. I struggle sometimes at work because this is a man’s world and it is easy for a woman manager to get lost in that. So I called a woman that I admire and asked her for advice. I even went further than that, I told her I needed a mentor. So now that door is open anytime I need it to be. Which just knowing that the door is there makes things seem much easier to tackle. I am also super excited about my “not a book club” gathering that will start next week. I’ve reached out to three girlfriends and asked for an hour of their time each week. We will be reading a book, but we’ll also be sharing thoughts and ideas and forming bonds with women who are not like us. The only common thread they all have is me. And I’ve asked them to bring someone I don’t know. It could turn out to be a total disaster, but I hope not. I’m really excited about it!

Ok, to circle back around, it has been eye opening, almost to the point of discouraging how many people say they’ll make plans and then never do. And this is not an accusation. I totally used to be guilty of this. “Hey great to see you, let’s have lunch soon.” “Ok” and then no one ever lunches. I have counted 5 (yes 5!!!) people in the past 7 days that I have reached out to to try and schedule lunch with who all say “yes that’s a great idea” and then zero follow through. And I’m even the one texting them saying “hey, send me some dates that work for lunch” and nothing. I don’t think it is me personally (I mean it could be, but I hope not). I think that is just the culture we live in today. But my challenge to you this week if you take anything away from reading this would be to answer that text. Make the lunch plans. And show up. I’m pretty sure you’ll be glad you did.

So finally, goal number 3… being intentional with my kids. For me, this is the hardest one. I’m not going to rehash the why, but y’all, I’m tired. All the time. And I love my children, but I could not care less about their house in RoadBlox (I’m pretty sure I spelled that wrong) or who is managing the pizza parlour that day. And since sometimes victories are about gaining the inch and not the mile I have not chosen to care about their make believe houses and jobs yet.

What I have done is create an environment where we are all present together, and I don’t mean necessarily just physically. All electronic devices are kept in my room until the weekends. That means when we are home we can do things together, and not the whole “each in their own corner” mentality. Amelia has started reading to me every night as a part of her school work. She used to read in her room, but this is 15 minutes that she and I get to share something together. Braden and I still spend time in the kitchen each week, so forward progress is being made.

So I guess in terms of a grade, I hit 2 of the 3, 66.67%. If I’m grading on a curve I’d bump that up 10-15% since really I missed a goal on issue 1, but did not give up. So I’m sitting at a solid C right now. I can live with that. It is certainly not failure, but it gives me something to continue to improve on. Which is 100% where I see life right now. I’m happy. And I’m busy. Sometimes I’m so busy I can’t see straight. But I’m fulfilled. And that is what happens when you are intentional, your bucket gets filled.