This is a hot topic that I've seen all over the news and
social media this week. It is also a topic that I have struggled with sharing to those outside of my circle of friends for close to four years now. Well, today is the day that ends.
It is easy to sit on the other side of domestic violence
and judge women for staying. It is easy to say that you'd never stay and these
women need to just leave. Unfortunately abuse is not always black and white,
and neither are the decisions a woman must make in those relationships.
I was emotionally abused in my marriage for 2 ½ years
before the abuse finally turned violent. The first time something happened I
was livid. I left the house and stayed with a friend. Braden was just over 4
months old. HE apologized. I went home. Several months went by and life was
good. But then it happened again. Again I left, and again HE apologized, and
again I came home. As time went the abuse became more and more frequent and I
stopped staying with friends. The problem was that usually when it got to the
point when I was scared enough to leave, I was also terrified that HE would
find me at a friend's house and hurt them, too. So I'd lie awake, all night,
listening to Braden sleep and making sure that no one was going to hurt anyone
I loved. There were several nights that I did stay at our house, too exhausted
to leave, but too scared to stay. So I'd lie on the couch at night to make sure
that HE didn't take or hurt Braden. That would sometimes go on for 3 or 4 days
in a row. I was raising a toddler, working full time, and not able to sleep or
feel safe in my own home.
Eventually I just started staying at hotels. Sometimes
for a night at a time. Sometimes for a week. I constantly kept a bag in my car
that was packed for Braden and I. And I know that some of you are reading this,
judging me, asking me why I stayed.
I rationalized that he had never hit me, so it wasn't
really abuse. But over those 2 ½ years I became a shell of the women that I
once was. In the end things got really
scary. My marriage ended with incredible violence. I won't go into the entire
story, but Amelia and I walked away with minor bruises after things finally
turned violent. Guns, a SWAT team and a knife that could have easily killed Amelia
and I ended my marriage. My world changed in 4 hours on a Friday afternoon.
I stayed for several reasons. First of all, with
emotional abuse, it is not always black and white when you are in the middle of
it. The first time seems bad, but then after so many incidents, you begin to
rationalize. You tell yourself that it's really not that bad. Before long I was
isolated from my friends and family, so I had no one to really talk to about
most of the things that were happening. It wasn't until after I got out and began
telling my story to friends that I realized how bad it was. And I only knew
that by seeing their reactions.
I also stayed because I made a promise, and I don't do
failure well. I know that sounds silly, but I stood in front of my friends and
family and made a promise to God to love this man forever. It didn't matter
that HE had broken his promise to me. I always felt like if I was strong enough
I could fix us both.
And the statistics. As a parent you always want the best
for your children. Statistics say that children raised with two parents are
more likely to succeed. I wanted nothing more than to give Braden that life.
And the thing is, when HE was good, he was the best father you could ever want.
The problem was I never knew who I was coming home to. And when HE was bad, it
was just plain scary. HE could turn from good to bad in a moment and I never
knew what would set him off.
But lastly, I think I stayed because I was scared. When I
woke up the day after the attack I was lost. I had suddenly gone from a two
parent household with two incomes to a one parent household with one income
raising two children. By myself. I just kept repeating that over and over. I'm
by myself. And the thing is, I had a good job. But I still couldn't make ends
meet. I had to make decisions that I didn't want to make, but decisions that
were necessary for my kids and I to not only survive, but to prosper. And now
we are all better for it. During the abusive period I had lost friendships and
some family ties. I was terrified that leaving would leave me all alone. Of
course for the most part that couldn't be further from the truth, but things
aren't always clear when you're in the middle of the storm.
I guess what I am trying to say in this blog, is please
don't judge a woman who has been beaten for staying. Often these women don't
work outside the home and have no source of income. Their spouse may take their
money. Sometimes being out of an abusive relationship is just as scary as
staying in one. I know that it takes courage to leave, but sometimes it takes
just as much courage to stay. And I know that no one will ever understand that
last statement until you have lived the life of a woman who has been abused. I
found myself and made me better despite my abuse. Not all women have the
ability to do that. I had a lot of faith and a good upbringing and a place to
come home to. Things haven't always been easy since we've gotten out. There are
still nights when I wake up scared in the middle of the night and can't sleep.
There are still nights when I sleep with chairs under the door, but I know
beyond a shadow of a doubt that I made the only decisions I knew how to make at
the time, and my kids and I are happier and healthier for it.
